Spending Yourself

I moved a couple of weeks ago. Somewhere among end-of year work projects and holiday shopping came unpacking boxes and setting up house. Some of the boxes hadn’t been opened for a year, when I got rid of my New York apartment and shipped everything to Los Angeles. I pulled a beautiful candle out of one of the boxes that I’d saved until I moved into this new place—a wait that wound up being a year long. And my first thought was, “No more saving.”

I’ve always been a saver. This can be good when you’re talking financials. Yet there are other areas in life where an over-emphasis on saving can be a detriment. Things are meant to be used: food is meant to be eaten, clothes are meant to be worn, candles are meant to be lit. Seriously. I’ve had great food go bad, favorite clothes eaten by moths, high-end candles melt in hot cars and garages and become unusable. This is just a waste.

And as wasteful as this is, nothing is more wasteful, and perhaps sadder, than doing the same thing with your life.

After “No more saving,” my thought process went on to, “I want to use what I have. I want to spend—my things, myself, my life.” The last thing I want to do is to come to the end of my life and find that it was, even a little bit, unspent. 

The poet Mary Oliver asks, 

        “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” 

A very big question. If it’s too big for you at this point, narrow the aperture from your life in general to your time right now. What will you do now? What will your 2011 be?

And keep in mind that the question isn’t “Will you spend yourself?” but “HOW will you spend yourself?” Because there is no doubt—you will spend yourself. You have no choice in that. None of us do.

As I kept unpacking, I remembered a scene from the film Gattaca in which the genetically superior brother asks the main character, played by Ethan Hawke, how in the world he won their swim races as children. The answer: “I never saved anything for the trip back.”

Whether it’s inappropriate saving, or holding back, or avoiding, or not committing to, or whatever, ask yourself:

How will I spend myself this year? What will I dive into with my time, my heart, my life, myself?

Having a Great Holiday—With Others

Over the next couple of weeks, many of us will be spending time with extended family members—perhaps even staying under the same roof. These relationships may be easy and warm…or not. In the flurry of holiday activities, sometimes in cramped quarters with one another, and possibly with individuals who just seem to march to a different drummer than you, interesting things can happen (feel free to interpret “interesting” any way you like). Or maybe these are generally easy relationships. Wonderful. Simply keep in mind that when spending time together, sharing space together, perhaps for several days—buttons can get pushed.

To maximize your enjoyment of the season, don’t just plan ahead with gift-giving. Plan ahead in regards to relationships.

Anticipate what might happen by considering past experience. For example, the uncle who pulls people into unwanted political debates then disparages their point of view, or the in-law who asks you to watch their children for a bit then stays out all day, or the brother who leaves you to do all the cleanup on your own.

Whatever the “habits” people pull on you at these family gatherings, don’t be blind-sided. Anticipate, and make your plan ahead of time. If and when these things show up, you may choose to:

• Let it go. You don’t see them often enough, the trip will be short enough, it’s not worth it etc.
  
• Get more information.  There may be something driving their behavior that you aren’t aware of. Dig a little, find out what’s going on. Only be sure to do this in an exploratory way, not an accusatory one
  
• Say “No”
  

If you choose “No,” there are several ways to do it:

• Simply say “No.” Do it courteously. Just because they’re being rude, assuming they are, doesn’t mean you have to. Still, say “No”
  
• Need a line? Here’s a great one: “That won’t work for me.” If you like, stick a “Thank you” onto the front end to soften it a little.
  
• A “No” that affirms the relationship and still creates the boundary follows this flow: 1) acknowledge, 2) give a reason, and 2) say “No.” For example, “I know you have your hands full. I actually have a commitment today, so won’t be available to watch your children.”
  

Don’t let other people’s behavior make you feel out of control and detract from the enjoyment of the holiday. Anticipate, make a plan*, and follow it. And have a wonderful holiday.

* Keep in mind that your plan may be to do nothing. This doesn’t mean you’re out of control. As long as you’re doing it for good reason, it's actually the opposite. You’re in control. 

Making Plans to Wake Up Enriched and Energized on January 1st

You’re likely a busy person most of the time, but “busy” takes on new proportions at this time of year. Most of us are overwhelmed with all of the commitments this season brings.

In the midst of obligations and activities, I encourage you to step back and consider the two major happenings of December:

• The holiday season
  
• The turning of the year
  

Whatever you do, make space for yourself to fully embrace and have a significant experience in these two areas:

• The holiday season: think about what’s important to you during the holidays—whether it’s spiritual matters, family, friends, or a combination, think about what you absolutely must engage in in order to have a great holiday, and be sure to make room for it
  
• The turning of the year: make room for yourself to move into the new year with thoughtfulness, focus, and renewed energy. A great way to do this is to take a little time to look at the past year, considering what you learned, how you grew, and what you’re grateful for, and to look at the year to come and set some goals
  

If you need to say “no” to some things in order to make sure these two areas don’t get the short end of the stick, do so. When you wake up on January 1^st, you’ll thank yourself, as you’ll be enriched from the holiday season, you’ll have made peace with 2010, and you’ll be ready to move forward into a great new year.

Setting SMART Goals

It’s December, which means that January—a new year!—is around the corner. While you’re probably facing a full schedule with end-of-year activities, whether closing out business or holiday shopping or social and family activities (likely all of the above), give yourself a corner of your mind to start thinking about what you’d like to start fresh with in the New Year.

Here’s something to focus your thinking: start thinking about setting SMART goals.

The SMART approach to goal-setting may be something you already use in your professional life. Whether that is the case or not, in anticipation of a new year, put some thought into it for your personal life.

SMART stands for:

• Specific
  
• Measurable
  
• Achievable
  
• Realistic
  
• Time-Based
  

For example, if your goal is to lose weight in the new year, be sure not to leave it at that. If you’re overweight, “I want to lose weight” is certainly a good goal. It’s just that it could be SMARTer. Let’s make it SMART:

• Specific: Give it a number (e.g. 10 pounds)
  
• Measurable: This can be used in a mathematical formula (Specific + Time-based = Measurable), because anything that is specific and quantifiable, and that has a time-frame around it, can be measured ("lose 10 pounds by June 30" can be measured by getting on a scale on June 30)
  
• Achievable: Is it achievable for you, knowing yourself and your history?
  
• Realistic: Is it realistic, given the timeframe you’ve set and the other things going on in your life? (Some people have enough overlap with Achievable and Realistic that it’s worth it to them to shift the R word to Relevant, which also works—be sure the goal makes sense, given the larger context of your life and other priorities)
  
• Time-Based: Give it a deadline (June 30)
  

So…rather than “I want to lose weight,” the SMART goal becomes “I will lose 10 pounds by June 30.”

Remember the mathematical formula—Specific + Time-bound = Measurable. I can get on the scale on June 30 and see if I’ve achieved my goal. As far as Achievable and Realistic (or Relevant) go, that’s up to you and your wisdom—knowing yourself, knowing the context of your life. For example, if you know that you will be on a work project that will require travel and you can’t guarantee how much exercise you will be able to commit to, and you know that exercise is critical to your weight-loss, you may adjust your deadline accordingly.

The next step, once your specific goal is set, is to develop a plan for achieving it.

For this week, give yourself a corner of your mind to begin thinking about worthwhile goals for you for the new year. We’ll address how to create plans to achieve them in the coming weeks.

Expecting, Believing, and Giving Thanks

When asked, many people can identify a “most influential teacher”—the one who really made a difference, and whose lessons stuck.

Mine was Mr. McEachen, my high school English teacher. He died unexpectedly last weekend (the weekend before Thanksgiving), while racing his boat in the Holiday Classic, the Santa Barbara Yacht Club’s final race of the 2010 season. He had a heart attack—his first. He was 66.

Dave McEachen was “that teacher” for me for two reasons. First, some character context (almost as important as the reasons):

I’ll sum up his character with three mantras of his. I should say that I never heard him say any of these—his family chose to print them in the program for his service. Sitting at the service, reading these mantras, I was so glad they did. They brought me right back to him, as I saw him exhibit them every day of my junior and senior years of high school:

• Always connect
  
• Err on the side of kindness
  
• Make your happiness
  

As for the two reasons he was “that teacher” for me:

• He expected the world of us—he had a reputation for being very tough, and as my AP English teacher, he lived up to it
  
• He believed the best in us, and treated us accordingly
  

It’s amazing how that combination—high expectations and deep belief—can cause you to be and perform at your very best. They did that for me. He did that for me.

In his eulogy, one of Dave’s sons said how thankful he was that his father retired at 60. He expressed how he’d thought they’d have another 20 years together, but he was at least grateful that they’d had so much of him for six.

There are so many things I’m thankful for this season. I’m thankful for Mr. McEachen’s high expectations, calling me to rise to the occasion of my potential. I’m thankful for his treatment of me—one of firm and respectful belief in my ability. If someone I respect so much believes I have it in me, then maybe I really do. And I’m thankful for his son’s reminder, in a time in which the pressure is fierce to focus on what he’s lost, to focus on what he has—those precious and full six years.

My heart is full, and I pulled it all together into my blog entry this week—the power of expecting the best in others…and ourselves. The power of believing the best, again, in others, and ourselves. And the power of being thankful.

Thanksgiving, giving thanks, may officially be over.

I encourage us to be unofficial and keep it up.

Being Assertive

Assertive or Aggressive?

It’s up to you.

First, you need to understand what you’re after. Then, you need to consider your options.

1. What are you after: I consult with clients all around the world on ways to build their business results. Everyone seems to agree that best practices vary in application across cultures. Everyone also seems to agree that while those best practices may vary in application, they are pretty consistent in their principle(s). And one of the principles, regardless of the culture you’re operating in, is—results. You’re responsible for achieving results—for yourself, for your employer. So, okay. We’re after results. And sometimes, depending on the culture you’re operating in, this means speaking up firmly. The question is, how?
   
2. Consider your options: Many clients tell me that aggressive is the way to go. It’s definite, there’s no question of your intention, it strikes hard. And I point out that the downside is that it tends to include something else—an element of blame, hurt, perhaps under-handedness. So, what to do? How do you achieve definiteness, clarity and power, without the blame/hurt part? The answer is assertiveness. Assertiveness is definite, direct in intention, strikes with clarity. And it does all of this within a context of respect. Think of assertiveness this way: as opposed to attacking an opponent, you’re speaking truth, with conviction, to a partner.

Scare me with your aggressiveness, and you may or may not win the battle. You almost certainly won’t win the war. Come to me with your assertiveness, and I will sense your respect for me, and I will respect you. And consider this—I ultimately don’t really listen to my attacker. I listen to my trusted partner.

This week, think about any firm messages you need to communicate. First, consider what you’re after. Then, consider your options.

And in regards to options, I recommend assertive.

Rising Above the Hidden Distractions

You have things going on—work to do, a life to live. What you probably don’t have time for is distraction. I’m not talking about physical distraction of people or things, although those are very real and must be addressed. I’m talking about something more insidious, and therefore easy to miss. I’m talking about mental or emotional distraction: things that come up that are irritating you at some level, and draw your focus to them, and away from more productive thoughts and therefore activities.

I just got off a 15-hour flight to Hong Kong. The flight was fine, the taxi ride from the airport was fine, but come on. After that long a flight, you’re ready to get out of things that move and get somewhere on solid ground near a bed. Now, when I get into a taxi in a foreign city, I always find out if the driver is familiar with my destination. At home, if the driver gets lost, I pull out my smartphone and access my GPS. Love that about my phone, until it comes to leaving the country. No Verizon off of home soil, so if the driver doesn’t know the hotel, I can’t help him get there. This driver said he knew where he was going. And he mostly did, until the end. Due to one-way streets and certain street markings, he had trouble getting me to the hotel. He had to circle a few blocks (in traffic- so this is now taking awhile). After he’d done this a couple of times, the distraction began for me—thoughts like “This is taking way too long, he should know the way, what a waste of time….” Notice the negative spin distraction like this typically takes. Next, he volunteered to let me off a little ways away from the hotel, in the dark, in a back alley. I’m not sure what caused him to think that would be appealing. My distraction (irritation, now distracting me by steering me away from productive thoughts) increased—“You have to be kidding,” I was now in sarcasm mode in my head. I urged him to try again, and he finally got fairly near the hotel. I got out of the taxi with my luggage and prepared to drag it a ways, over curbs, with the distraction at full tilt—“What a bother,” “I’m way too tired for this,” “That guy seriously needs to know his city better….” These thoughts don’t sound like a big deal, yet in my experience, they add up.

You can either be someone who lets things get to you all of the time, some of the time, or not much of the time if at all. It’s really obvious when someone fits the first category—they’re hard to be around. Everything’s negative. Most of us would probably put ourselves in the second category—but why? It distracts you and saps your energy with its negative spin. The people in the third category will get the most done, because they’re not wasting emotional or mental effort on the small stuff.

There’s a simple shortcut through mental or emotional distraction. If you’re a 15^th Century English Mystic (Julian of Norwich), it’s “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” If you’re more contemporary, it may be, “It’s all good.”

When I got out of the taxi, with my negative mental state, I was face-to-face with a florist shop. I wouldn’t have seen the shop at all if the driver hadn’t had his directional issues, as it's situated in the opposite direction I will go each morning this week for work. And the floor-to-ceiling window was filled, just filled, with my favorite flower—the white orchid. Lots and lots of them, cascading. It overwhelmingly felt like a personal welcome for me. I stood there on the sidewalk and drank it in, actually glad the driver had dropped me a ways beyond the hotel, delay and all. And I was struck with the reminder of how important it is to consistently join Julian and her pals—people throughout the ages who have said not only “I’m not going to sweat the small stuff,” but “The thing that’s bugging me right now may ultimately be a gift.”

This week, keep your mind open. If something is irritating you, it’s distracting you. Don’t let it. Trust that there’s a white orchid somewhere, somehow in it for you, let go of the distracting thoughts, focus on what you’re working on, and move forward.

Saying What You Need to Say, Productively

I spent time with my niece and nephew this weekend, and it was great hearing them explore and experiment with language. “What’s ‘tedious’?” my 9-year-old nephew asked, after hearing SpongeBob use the term with one of his aquatic buddies. Good for him for not just watching, but exercising his curiosity. The exploration of language went beyond vocabulary, into phraseology and real expression: “That is not helping my situation,” my 7-year-old niece said at one point (she and her brother were in an argument, she needed some adult assistance and sought it. Advice was given. She didn't like it. Clearly). The phrasing was so precise, and delivered with such aplomb, it seemed incongruous coming from a 7-year old. I had to fight the temptation to laugh. This was serious business (which got taken care of).

What do words mean? What do phrases convey? And based on that, the real question is, “How do I say what I need to say?” Figuring out how to express yourself when there is something sensitive on the table is a big deal. Given the dynamics of relationships and the important issues that may be at stake, the complexities are very real. I see my clients struggle with this, and a lot of our work together is around the principles that underlie productive communication. Principles that can be used in talking with anyone at work, at home, in life.

My niece chose her words extremely well. She followed, unknowingly, one of the key principles: Don’t mix emotion in with information. Her words were clearly meant to inform, and nothing else. She could have said, “That will never work,” “You’ve got to be kidding,” “I’d like to see you try that,” or any one of a number of common phrases. Yet, notice that these three phrases not only inform, they also include an element of emotion. And they often result in the listener inferring a secondary goal, beyond informing—a goal of accusation or shame:

• “That will never work”- the use of the word “never” can be taken as a global judgment by the listener. Rather than something like “I don’t believe that will work in this situation, and here’s why,” which focuses on informing, the use of the word “never” can elevate the comment to sound like, “That’s a ridiculous suggestion, in and of itself. It would never work in any situation. You are clearly a person who comes up with ridiculous suggestions.” Sound extreme? Maybe. It’s possible the person may not take it this way. But if they are keyed up in any way, if they are even the slightest bit defensive, they will.
  
• “You've got to be kidding” and “I’d like to see you try that” convey information plus sarcasm. So they inform, and they also jab, conveying that the suggestion is ridiculous. This isn’t useful to you, since it will almost certainly cause your listener to go on the defensive.
  

If you really want to solve problems and move forward, examine how you express yourself to other people. And take a lesson from my niece—inform, don’t accuse, shame, or jab.

On a final note, all of this is not to say that we shouldn’t express emotion. It’s important to do so. It’s simply that it will be more productive, and serve you better, to also express your emotions in an informing way, rather than a jabbing or shaming way. “I am extremely frustrated about this. And I appreciate your suggestion—I don’t believe it will work in this situation, and here’s why” will get you what you need far more than, “I’d like to see YOU try that.”

Listening

Last week, while walking down Polk Street in San Francisco, a billboard caught my eye. It exhibited a principle that's used by my most talented clients in leading organizations around the world:

“There’s a reason they say ‘Talk to Chuck,’ not ‘Listen to Chuck.’” 

Those may not have been the exact words, but they’re pretty close.

In 2005, Charles Schwab launched its “Talk to Chuck” ad campaign, developed by its new ad agency Euro RSCG. At the time, CEO Chuck Schwab sent a letter to investors orienting them to the campaign in which he stated, “I’ve built my entire company based on listening to people first. Then talking.”

Now, there are a few things we know: we know that you don’t get to be someone like Chuck Schwab without being…pretty smart. We also know that advertising agencies, the top ones in particular, aren’t cheap. And we (as consumers) also know that the good agencies understand us. They know psychology, and they know how we think and what we respond to.

So…what we have is a very smart guy, an expensive agency that knows a lot about people, and the current campaign, which is essentially saying: we’re not about talking. We’re about listening. And, you have us: the people they’re trying to engage with, build a relationship with, and influence.

So here’s a thought—is there anyone you need to engage with? Build a relationship with? Possibly influence? If you’re human, the answer at some level has to be “yes.” “Yes” in your professional life, “yes” in your personal life.  Well, save your money. Rather than hire Chuck as your consultant and Euro RSCG as your agency, simply follow their wisdom: think about who you need to engage with, build a relationship with, and/or influence. And listen to them.

I will tell you from experience: both my own experience, and that of clients in organizations as diverse as Microsoft, Citibank, FedEx and Sony—the power of listening? It’s real. And it works.

Connecting

This weekend I attended a producers’ screening of “127 Hours,” the film starring James Franco that chronicles the dramatic real-life experience of Colorado outdoorsman Aron Ralston.

I won’t spoil the movie for those of you who don’t remember the 2003 event—although you likely do, as it made international news and caught the attention of Danny Boyle and Christian Colson in England—the team that later brought us “Slumdog Millionaire.” After “Slumdog Millionaire,” they turned their full attention to “127 Hours,” which they produced with John Smithson. Boyle directed.

What I will share (aside from the fact that 3 audience members fainted during the film, all at the same time. My first time hearing that unhappy line in a dark theater, “Is there a doctor in the house?” Unlikely in this case, as the audience was comprised of film producers. And me. Fortunately no doctors were needed and everyone was fine) is an interesting comment Danny Boyle made after the film. He and Christian Colson were in attendance and conducted a Q&A at the end. In discussing his exploration of the themes of isolation and connection, Boyle said that Aron Ralston was fascinated with video and always had his camcorder with him. He created lots of “messages” on video—filming himself giving messages to different people in his life. And Boyle noticed that at the same time Aron Ralston was exploring video messaging in the ruggedness of Colorado, Mark Zuckerberg and others were developing facebook in the hallowed halls of Harvard.

Isolation. Technology. Connection—the absolute, fundamental human requirement of connection. In 2003, two young men were exploring technologies that are intimately related to connection. Both of their lives are now splashed across movie screens (Ralston’s in “127 Hours,” Zuckerberg’s in “The Social Network”). And while the backdrops of these films couldn’t be more different, it’s worth digging below the surface and exploring in our own lives a theme that walks across both—the link between technology and connection. I won’t engage here in the debate over whether technology and social networking in particular strengthen or weaken our human connections. The discussion is robust and everyone has an opinion. In the short term, people must decide for themselves how and to what extend they will rely on emerging technologies in their relationships. In the long term, the scientists will have the necessary ingredient of time and conduct the research to contribute data to the discussion.

What I will weigh in on today is more fundamental than “how will you create connection—with or without the tools of technology.” Why are these tools being created at all? Because everyone agrees on how critical connection itself is to the human experience, to our existence. And each of us must examine this for ourselves—the absolute fundamental human requirement of connection, period, in our own lives. Technology tools or not. We are all so busy, transacting life in an increasingly complex world. The question is: are we connecting? Really and truly connecting?

I have a neuroscientist friend who spends his days studying the link between human connection and health. Health, as in, quality of life in the short term, and life or death in the long (or not-so-long) term. The research is fascinating, the connection undeniable. Human connection improves and lengthens life. How the new communication technology tools figure into that equation remains to be seen.

For now, this week, ask yourself: “Who do I need to connect with?”

And connect. Just…connect. 

Brainstorming the Right Way (a.k.a. Giving Yourself a Chance to Come Up With Really Good Stuff)

"Brainstorming” is an over-used term. It’s become to idea-generation what Kleenex is to tissue. When we say “let’s brainstorm,” people jump into their idea of what brainstorming is, and, as a result, good and even great ideas get trampled, and sometimes relationships as well.

Let’s first look at what brainstorming really is, then where we often go wrong, and finish with how you can apply this to your own life and get some real traction with your own potentially wonderful ideas.

Rules of Brainstorming

Brainstorming is a creativity technique designed to enable a group of people to generate ideas to solve a problem. And when it's done as it was designed, it has rules. Really good rules—designed to yield great results. When you’re brainstorming with a group of people, here are the rules, listed chronologically:

1. Brainstorming begins once the topic, problem or question is clearly stated.
   
2. Brainstorming is conducted in round-robin fashion—one person states one idea/solution, and the person designated as scribe, whose role it is to take notes on a whiteboard or flipchart, writes the idea, verbatim, for all to see. There is no discussion, no evaluation of the idea.
   
3. The person seated next to the first “speaker” volunteers one idea next, which the note-taker writes.
   
4. And so it goes in a circle, and keeps going.
   
5. If a person doesn’t have an idea, that person says “pass” and the next person goes.
   
6. This continues until all people in the circle say “pass” (probably a sign that people are ready to pass out…).
   
7. Next, questions are asked and any ideas that are unclear are clarified by the person who volunteered the idea.
   
8. Next, ideas are combined or grouped, with the permission of the person whose idea will possibly be combined.
   
9. Next, ideas are evaluated—pros and cons, etc.
   
10. Finally, a vote—using any one of a number of voting techniques.
    

Where We Go Wrong

Can you already see where we get into trouble?

• Sometimes we’re not even clear on what it is we’re trying to figure out. Be clear as you define the issue. (1)
  
• People famously jump in and evaluate and judge ideas before ever giving them a chance to unfold and breathe. I’ve no doubt that some truly great ideas have never graced the world with their wonderful reality because someone who thought they knew what they were talking about* shot them down before they ever had a chance. And, as the ideas are judged, people feel judged as well. Evaluation is reserved for #9, and by that time, enough time has gone by so that if an idea is judged unfavorably, the person who came up with the idea doesn’t lose face the way they do when judgment happens in #2. Also—note how important it is that the scribe write the idea verbatim—that they don’t write their own idea of what the person says. (2)
  
• If you don’t go in a circle, the introverts and the “processors”—people who need a chance to really think things through—never get their best stuff heard. These people often say “pass” on the first two or even three rounds, while they process and really get warmed up. If we just do a quick brainstorming where people throw their ideas into the mix indiscriminately, rest assured the ideas of these people will never have their day. (3, 4 & 5)
  
• How many times have we seen extroverts explain things for introverts? Often incorrectly. Let the person speak for themselves. (7 & 8)
  

How You Can Apply This in Your Own Life

Your own personal brainstorming, if it’s like most people’s, is subject to “rule-breaking.” In our own lives, we tend to come up with an idea, and before we’ve given it room to breathe, we’ve moved right into evaluation mode. We become the scribe, who writes the idea down not in its pure form, but with judgments. We become the other team members, who judge the idea before it’s even written down at all. We snuff out our own brilliance before it even has a chance.

The short version is this: idea generation comes first, evaluation comes last. Don’t mix them up. If you do, you’ll undoubtedly short yourself.

This week, in your own personal brainstorming, give yourself a chance. In the face of a question or a problem, let yourself brainstorm. Stay in brainstorm mode.** Think about your ideas. Roll them around. Explore them and let them breathe. Not until then is it appropriate to evaluate, vote, and decide.

* About people who think they know what they’re talking about: They may mean well. It’s just that they may be wrong. Similarly, the judge in your head means well—it wants to save you from going down roads that won’t be worth it. And again, that judge may be wrong. If your judge steps in, you’re free to thank it and let it know that it’s not needed just yet.

** Creative tools for brainstorming include free writing and mind-mapping—look for these in future blog entries.

Re-Creating Through Recreating

Most health care professionals, if a patient is wound up and stressed out but otherwise healthy, will advise the patient to take a little time off, get some recreation—go on vacation, take the weekend, or at least get out for an afternoon walk.

I’ve spent my fair share of time being wound up, and have had the “get out for some recreation” talk from friends, if not doctors. And in the past, I generally had one of two responses:

• I smiled and said “thank you for the advice” with no intention of doing anything about it. Because I didn’t get the value. I didn’t see recreation as anything more than just “blowing off steam.” And if I had a lot to do, that seemed like a time-stealer. Better to push through and work.
  
• I said “fine” and went off and engaged in some recreation. And while it was good and nice and perhaps cleared my head a little, it didn’t seem to matter much.
  

I’m going to suggest a third option, one that, to my surprise (as evidenced above) has in more recent years served me well. Rather than not recreating (bad for your health, actually), and rather than recreating without it seeming to matter much, how about taking it to another level? How about recreating, and really benefitting? How about recreating and seeing a real change, as a result?

It starts with awareness:
Is it possible this horsing around, this blowing off steam, is part of something greater and grander? It’s a great word, especially when you break it down: re-creating. Is it possible that recreating has creative powers? If so, then this is a whole new ball game (yes, ball game). Because the creative process—creating something, or re-creating something—is amazing, mysterious, divine. And powerful.

So here’s the third option:

Get some recreation this week, and when you do, go beyond blowing off steam. Be wonderfully aware of the powers of the activity to bring re-creation to you. Give yourself to this. No pressure, no expectation, simply the knowledge that this bike ride or this game or this trip to the museum is great and powerful stuff. Take a deep breath, have fun, and allow the creative process to do its thing in you. Who knows what you’ll find, what re-creation will happen, as a result?

Tactics, Not Habits

Have you seen these in a presentation? The presenter...

• continuously paces back and forth across the front of the room, or
  
• repeatedly uses the phrase “you guys,” or
  
• spends most of the presentation with one arm folded in front, and the other hand holding the chin, in a thoughtful pose.
  

There are many more—these are simply three that I have seen with my clients in the last week.

And in speaking with them about these observations, here were the responses I heard:

• Pacing: “I don’t want to be rooted in one spot and look scared.”
  
• “You guys”: I’m giving this presentation to some really salt-of-the-earth people. If I don’t use the phrase “you guys,” they’ll think I’m one of those slick people from corporate and my credibility will go down.
  
• “Thoughtful” pose: “I want to show that I’m not stiff and inauthentic, but real and (surprise, surprise) thoughtful.
  

Their intent is right on—the presenter shouldn’t be rooted in one spot and look scared, come across as slick, or seem stiff and inauthentic. The issue isn’t what they did to avoid these impressions, the issue is when/how often they did them. In other words, there are times to move around in a presentation. Doing it continuously so that it becomes pacing is too much—your audience will stop listening to you and start timing your walking and your turns. It’s true. There are certain audiences for whom it’s important to say “you guys” a few times—to the wrong audience or done to much, people won’t take you seriously. And there are times to move your body into a pose of clear thoughtfulness, yet done throughout most of the presentation will cause you to look cut off or possibly judgmental. In other words, because all three of these actions were done repeatedly or continuously, I knew that they weren’t being used strategically and wisely, as tactics to effectively deliver the content to the audience, but as a default, as a habit. And habits will serve you when your habits match what’s needed in the situation. And when they’re not, they’ll get you into trouble.

Take a step back this week—and look not only at how you present your ideas to others, but further afield. Look at some of the ways you operate in regards to how you communicate, organize, focus, exercise, prioritize, eat, get rest, etc. Whatever comes to mind for you is probably what you need to take a look at. And ask yourself if you’re essentially operating:

• Out of habit, on autopilot, or
  
• Out of choice, choosing tactics that serve you really well
  

And if you find an area in which you’re operating out of habit, and upon inspection, feel that it’s not serving you well in all of the situations in which you use it, go into tactic mode. Give yourself a different tactic to take, given whatever situations you have in mind, and what would make sense. Essentially, bring yourself to a higher level of awareness—awareness of when you tend to do what, when it’s appropriate, and when or in what situations you would want to take a different tactic.

Recognizing the Truth About “Perfect”

I was coaching a client last week on a presentation he’s putting together. Part of the way through the presentation, he paused, and paused, and paused—lengthy. Unusually lengthy. When he started speaking again, a rather remarkable thing happened:

He went on with the presentation:

• No “uh,” “um,” “let’s see,” “okay,” “sorry”
  
• Simply great poise and presence—solid eye contact, strong volume and intonation, effective use of body language and visuals, etc.
  

And as a result, I went with him. I believed him, I trusted him. I knew he’d had an unusually long pause, and I didn’t know why, but it didn’t seem to bother him, so it didn’t bother me.

Whatever the reason for the pause—the mind goes blank, or lack of decisiveness about where to go next—most people look very flustered, and begin to falter and use the typical filler words listed above. In other words, most people are bothered by their blanking out, and they show it. And as a result, their credibility goes down in the eyes of others.

This client had done something really good—he handled the hiccup, the imperfection, with grace, and then went on to do everything else wonderfully. Interestingly, he didn’t recognize this. When he finished his presentation, he sat down and began berating himself. How he’d blown it. And I was able to honestly tell him that, while his long pause was unusual, it did not detract. Because he didn’t let it.

He’d wanted to be perfect. And I shared with him a secret about perfectionism. Since no one, NO ONE, is perfect, here’s the truth about “perfect”:

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about how you handle your imperfections.

And if you handle them with grace, you’ll win the day. He did. Your imperfections won’t stand in your way, and the way you handle them (with grace), and the way you handle all of the other marvelous things you do, will carry the day, and you along with it.

This week, for you perfectionists, forget perfect. Take a deep breath, handle your imperfections with grace (certainly minimize them to the extent you can, especially if they are an impingement on others, but don’t go crazy—there are other things for you to focus on), and get about the business of doing what you do best and doing lots of it and reaping the rewards as you do.

Keeping Your Cool by Recognizing What’s Really Going On

“I can’t believe my coworker just dumped this project on me.”

“I can’t believe she left all the dishes for me to do.”

“I can’t believe that guy just cut me off.”

We go through situations every day that challenge us to keep our cool. And more often than not, those situations involve other people. People with whom you live, work, share the road. People do things that annoy us, hurt us, violate our trust.

And the result is typically not good: raised voices, inner seething, road rage. The first can damage relationships, the second can damage your health, and the third can be downright dangerous.

Here’s a quick way to avoid all of this: recognize what’s really going on. And what’s really going on, very often, is this: someone needs more information. Either you need more information about why they did what they did, or they need more information to understand how their actions impacted you, or both.

Before we go further, please note:

• If you’re dealing with a crazy person, this doesn’t apply. Steer clear of crazy people.
  
• If you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t care about you at any level, this doesn’t apply. Steer clear of people who don’t care about you.
  
• If we’re talking about the guy who cuts you off on the road, this applies, just a little differently than with the people at home or work. See the end of this blog entry.
  

If you’re dealing with someone who’s fairly reasonable with whom you have some sort of relationship, at home or at work, and you clash on something, before raising your voice or going into inner seething mode, consider this: do I have all of the information? Do they?

For example:

Perhaps your coworker leaves a project 100% to you. This makes you mad—how dare they dump all of this work on you? You’re ready to tell them off.

Not so fast.

What could be going on?

Well, it could be that:

• They think it’s your domain or
  
• Their boss told them to or
  
• They were preoccupied with something else and forgot to tell you why or
  
• You’re better at it than they are and they assumed you would rather do it yourself or
  
• They think you’ll like the ownership because you’ll also receive the accolades at the end or
  
• They’re frustrated because they feel like you dump work on them too and haven’t had the guts to express their frustration so now they’re taking it out on you indirectly or…
  

Who KNOWS what they think? You don’t. You may think you do, but you don’t.

And those are only a few possibilities around the information you don’t have.

What about the information they don’t have? Regarding what you think of this, how it affects you, what you would prefer, your creative ideas for doing things differently….

The lesson here is, don’t stress yourself out with an argument or stuffing your feelings of anger. Rather, recognize that there’s probably a need for more information on one or both sides. Initiate a non-judgmental and exploratory discussion to exchange information, and then make a plan for moving forward. This way, you keep the relationship healthy, and yourself healthy in the process.

Finally, about the person who cuts you off on the road: no, I don’t see you initiating a discussion with them. What I do recommend is that you remind yourself of this principle of “you probably don’t have all of the information,” and tell yourself a story to stop yourself from going into road rage and doing something you’ll regret. My favorite story I tell myself is, “I’m going to have to believe that someone in that car is pregnant and going into labor.” Then how can I get mad? I just hope they get to the hospital in time and in one piece.

Sticking To It by Clarifying Your Vision

Worthy goals are often not easy ones. To accomplish something truly worthy of your effort, there are typically several requirements, like studying or training, careful planning, and just plain sticking to it. That last one may seem straightforward, but depending on the circumstances, it may not be.

Florence Chadwick was the first woman to swim the English Channel both ways. On August 8, 1950, she swam the 21 miles across the English Channel in 13 hours and 20 minutes, breaking the world record. A year later she did it again, this time in the other direction, becoming the first woman to accomplish the feat both ways, and leaving an even bigger imprint on world history.

A native of San Diego, she next turned her sights toward setting a record closer to home: to be the first woman to swim the 26 miles from Catalina Island to the California coastline. After 15 hours of swimming, a marine layer developed, and she could no longer see the coastline for the fog. She didn’t think she could make it, and said as much to her mother, who was in one of the boats traveling along with her. She kept at it for another hour and then, still not able to see the coastline, ended her effort and got into the boat. And once in the boat, she discovered she’d only had a mile to go.

Accomplishments like Florence Chadwick’s don’t happen without training faithfully, planning carefully, and sticking to it. The first two are without variables—you are in control of your training and your planning. The third is a little more dicey. Yes, you’ll need to stick with it, but—through what? Florence Chadwick had no way of knowing a marine layer would set in. Perhaps her coach could have helped her anticipate it as a possibility and to prepare her to persevere through it. But—what other variables might pop up? We can’t always anticipate everything. So the question is—how clear is your vision of your coastline? If it’s fixed not just in your eyes but also in your mind, you’re more likely to be able to stick with it and persevere when the fog sets in and unanticipated challenges arise.

After that failed effort in 1952, Chadwick wasn’t finished. Two months later, she tried again. The marine layer set in once again, and the fog erased her view of the coastline. She persevered through the fog, and accomplished her goal. Later, she reported that the difference between her failed attempt and her victory was her clarity of vision—she kept a mental image of the coastline in her mind.

This week, think about something you’ve wanted to accomplish, but haven’t. It may be a training issue or a planning issue. Or it may be a “sticking to it” issue, as you’ve been waylaid by some kind of fog. If so, revisit the vision of your coastline, be sure it’s clear, and do what you need to do to truly fix it in your mind. When you do, take a deep breath and notice what shifts, what additional clarity you receive, and what energy emerges to propel you forward.

Reinstating the Golden Rule

Traveling on business with clients last week, I got into conversation with a waiter in Providence, Rhode Island. Somehow we got to talking about philosophy of work, and he said that his favorite customers are the tough ones. That he takes it as a personal and welcome challenge to figure out something that will cause them to marvel to themselves that they have nothing to complain about.

He told me about one couple that loves thousand island dressing on their salad. The restaurant doesn’t serve thousand island, but the waiter, Paul, makes it for them when they come in. He told me a couple of other similar stories involving oysters rockefeller and pizaola, and what fun it is to surprise customers by going the extra mile and really getting them what they want. And, he added, he notices that they return. Again and again. Not a bad marketing plan. He went on to recount a conversation he’d had with a chef. Paul asked for a particular preparation of a dish, at the request of a customer. The chef said, “That’s not the way I make it.” And Paul said, “But that’s the way they want it.” It’s a question of where the focus is. “It’s not hard,” Paul told me. “You just put yourself in their shoes, and ask yourself, ‘If I’m going out, what would I want?’”

Sounds like something I don’t hear people talk about much: the golden rule.

Now, a couple of things to keep in mind:

• Paul didn’t have his head in the clouds. He did say that if the people that like the special salad dressing come in at a very busy hour, and he’s not able to step aside and make the dressing, it doesn’t happen that night
  
• Being a food lover, I appreciate a chef who knows great ingredients and combinations better than I do and steers me away from substitutions I request that he or she knows won’t work
  

So the point here isn’t turning oneself inappropriately into Gumby, and doing things that don’t make sense. The point is to consider where your focus is. In business and in life, the golden rule, putting oneself into another’s shoes and thinking about what they would like, is “the golden rule” for a reason: It’s a wonderful way to strengthen relationships, a powerful way to build business, and because people don’t tend to expect it—it’s just plain fun to surprise them.

Taking Action

“The most drastic, and usually the most effective, remedy for fear is direct action.”

                                                   - William Burnham

Fear is an interesting phenomenon. It can have many effects on us, psychologically and physically. And one of the most common effects, as Burnham’s words imply, is paralysis. Whether the fear is about a choice, the magnitude of a task, or the difficulty of that task, it often brings with it paralysis. Standing still. And in many ways, it’s that standing still that is the worst part. As a competitive runner, the worst part for me was always before the race. Let’s be clear—the race itself was a tremendous challenge- extreme physical exertion (i.e. PAIN) and the psychological difficulty of mind over matter in the moment—getting my body to do things it didn’t want to do or didn’t believe it could do. But it wasn’t as bad as the time before the race. That was the “standing still” time. The minutes, and then the seconds before the gun went off. The equivalent of the paralysis. And the fear was tremendous. But once the gun went off, and the real work began, the fear dropped away. There was something about the movement, about taking action, that was a huge relief. And when the fear is gone, and the action begins, the possibilities begin to appear. And…the possibilities begin to be possible. Because inaction leads to nothing. Action leads to outcomes. And perhaps very good outcomes.

Look at your week ahead. Identify any area you know you're experiencing paralysis, procrastination, standing still, whatever. Any area there may be fear. Try this:

• Identify one small action you can take that’s directly related to whatever you’re afraid of. I find that if there’s a project to do, starting on one little piece of it, a piece that’s not overwhelming, throws me into active mode, which encourages the fear to go away, and leads to more action
  
• If that’s too much, if what you’re afraid of is too big and even starting on a small piece feels too daunting, do this: take action on something else. Something do-able. Anything. Anything active will help you right now. Even if it’s simply taking out the trash. The very act of doing, and of accomplishing, will put your brain into a different state—a more grounded and confident state. Meaning that when you’re done with that action, you’ll be breathing more deeply, standing up a little straighter, and more more able to start tackling the biggie
  

Focusing On What’s Right

The other day at the grocery store, I passed two women engrossed in conversation. One woman was saying to the other, “Don’t focus on what’s wrong….” She continued to talk as I passed them in the frozen food aisle, but as I moved away I could no longer hear and missed the rest of the sentence. The tone was kind, and, clearly, advice was being given. I can only imagine that the woman went on to say, “Focus on what’s right.”

And if she did, she wouldn’t be the only one:

• On an individual level, a host of research has emerged that suggests we build success through focusing on our strengths rather than our weaknesses
  
• On an organizational level, the growing field of Appreciative Inquiry (focusing on existing exceptional performance and creating more of it through focus on core strengths) is giving traditional problem solving (think SWOT Analysis with its attendance to weaknesses and threats) a run for its money in the strategic planning process
  
• On a relational level, counselors encourage us to shift our focus to the positive attributes of our loved ones, and away from the negative ones
  
• On a psychological level, it’s been proven over and over that we tend to go toward what we focus on, and create more of it
  

Your turn:

1. CHOOSE one area in your life this week that you know needs a different approach, a different outcome, whatever level it’s on—individual, organizational, relational or psychological
   
2. IDENTIFY—What's going right? What are the strengths? What's just plain good? 
   
3. FOCUS on those things. Think about them. Keep thinking about them. When the temptation comes to focus on the things that aren't great, take a deep breath, let those thoughts go, and go back to the good stuff
   

This has been proven to work on a human level, and you’re human, after all. This may just be the thing. This may just be your thing.

Giving the Reason, Saving the Day

In the absence of information, people make things up.

This bears repeating: in the absence of information, people make things up.

And here’s the kicker—the things people make up are, as a rule, bad.

This is a principle we see played out over and over again with public figures in sports, politics, and entertainment. You know the drill—scandal + public figure declines comment + public and media are left to conjecture the worst.

While this is common with public figures, it’s equally common in all our lives. Common, and destructive.

So let’s look closer.

When this happens in our own lives, when we inadvertently, perhaps, create an “absence of information,” this absent information typically takes the form of one thing: the reason.

For example: “I need some time by myself.”

• Translation in their mind: “He/she is sick of me.”
• What you actually mean is, “We’ve been to a lot of parties recently and it’s been really fun. And, I’m an introvert and I realize I’m feeling drained and the best way for me to refuel is to have a little time to myself. What I have in mind is a relaxed walk in the local botanical gardens. Then I’m looking forward to our dinner tonight.” This statement includes the reason you need time by yourself. Now there’s no question what the reason is. They don’t have to make information up. But you don’t say any of that. You simply say, “I need some time by myself.” And now, they have to make something up. And, of course that something is bad.
• The result: miscommunication, hurt, anger…bad stuff.
  
• The remedy: state the reason in the first place.
  

Or: “I’m going along with you to your client meeting.”

• Translation in their mind: “He/she thinks I’m completely blowing my meetings.”
• What you actually mean is, “I’ve been pulled into special projects and completely buried over the last few weeks. Yet as your manager, I owe it to you to provide support and help you create as many wins as possible. I’ve been putting thought into the best ways I can do this for you, and I propose that I join you on a few of your key meetings. I can assist during the meetings, if needed, and if I’m not needed, great. I can simply observe and give you some feedback afterward on how to make your already successful meetings even more successful.” But you don’t say any of this. You don’t give the reason. You simply say, “I'm going along with you to your client meeting.” And the other person is left to make stuff up. Bad stuff.
• The result: miscommunication, eroded trust, dissatisfaction with boss and therefore with job.
  
• The remedy: state the reason in the fist place.
  

This week, think about the messages you need to communicate with people. And be sure to include the reason.

Asking for Feedback: Make it Easy

Last week, we looked at the importance of asking for feedback to help you reach higher levels of performance, and improve close relationships. Meaningful feedback can ultimately be the difference between success and failure for you, as you uncover (or don’t uncover) important information to propel you forward.

The trouble is, people are often reluctant to give feedback for fear of hurt feelings, misunderstandings, recrimination, etc. So, ease the process and raise the likelihood that you will find the information you need by providing parameters. Here are two ways:

• Ask for feedback in one specific area (“Would you give me feedback on my presentation skills?” “Would you give me feedback on the last few proposals I’ve put together?”)
  
• Ask for feedback in three categories: start/stop/change (“Will you give me feedback on anything you recommend I start doing, stop doing, and/or change altogether?”)
  

And remember, don’t just come out and ask the person to give you feedback on the spot. It's unfair to ask someone for this kind of potentially sensitive information and expect it then and there. Combine this week’s suggestion around providing parameters with last week’s recommendations for how to ask for feedback, including giving the other person time to think it through (especially important for analytical, process-driven people). And then, go on a treasure hunt, and see what kind of helpful feedback you can find!

Asking for Feedback

None of us are perfect, and none of us have a complete picture of ourselves. Maybe that’s by design. We are social beings, and perhaps it’s a good thing that for any one of us to reach our highest level of potential, we must get feedback from other people. The question is—do we?

If you work in an organization that has a healthy performance management system and 360 degree feedback process, chances are that you do receive feedback. If you don’t (and even if you do—because that feedback only addresses your professional competence—how about your success in your personal life?), you must seek it out.

If you’re thinking that asking for feedback shows weakness, think again. Research shows that people who ask for feedback on a consistent basis (non constant, but consistent) are viewed favorably in professional situations. This can translate into personal situations as well. This is because of the message it sends: I’m confident enough about what I’m doing to ask for feedback, and I’m not about covering myself, I’m about growing to higher levels of performance and contribution.

How to ask for feedback:

• Consider what you would like feedback on
• Identify who you would like to ask for feedback
  
• Tell them that you would like their feedback, explain why you’ve identified them, be clear about your goals for the feedback process, and lay out specifically what you would like feedback on
  
• Give them time to think about and prepare their feedback
  

When receiving the feedback:

• Listen and don’t interrupt
  
• Ask questions to clarify their meaning
  
• Don’t argue- if you do, that’s the last time you’ll get feedback from this person. Not to mention you’ll compromise the relationship by invalidating their perspective and disrespecting the effort they’ve gone to in providing you feedback
  
• Thank them for their effort and honesty
  

If you disagree with the feedback:

• If possible, let it go. Arguing won’t help you
  
• If the feedback indicates a need for you to clear something up, be very careful in how you proceed—this is delicate stuff. Thank them, and let them know that you realize you have light to shed on your actions or intentions, and ask their permission to proceed and explain yourself. They will not say “no” to this courteous approach, and it will likely not come across as a defensive argument
  

The best way to go into these feedback sessions it to picture yourself as a combination professional athlete/detective. The pro athlete isn’t coming and asking for feedback with their tail between their legs. They know they’re good, and are wide open to getting better. They know that feedback is their way to winning the championship. The detective looks for clues and information—and is happy when they uncover something—it gets them closer to achieving their goal. For the detective, the goal is to solve the case. For us, it’s to improve our performance and to reach our highest level. And any information that will help us do that is helpful.

This week, think about where your next level of excellence is. Identify who could give you helpful and honest feedback about where you are now that may affect where you want to go next. Use the principles for asking and receiving feedback. And see what you can find that will propel you toward your next level!

Understanding How Your Brain Works

Many friends of mine, upon becoming parents, have commented on the challenges and the complexities, and the dangers of getting parenting all wrong. Essentially, they seem to all agree that anyone moving into parenthood should have to take a class and pass a certification. “We have to study and pass multiple tests for the privilege of driving a car. Seems like we should have to do at least that for the privilege of raising a child.”

Makes sense.

Driving a car: serious.

Raising a child: serious.

And how about—living and being in the world: also serious.

Because living and being in the world, whether or not you drive a car or raise a child, requires making multiple decisions every day. Decisions that determine the quality of your life and, because we live in the world of people and most of our decisions in some way impact others, the quality of other people’s lives.

The trouble is—most of us really have no idea what’s happening when we make those decisions. And as a result, we put ourselves and others at the mercy of what are often low-quality decisions with equally low-quality outcomes.

So, how does your brain work? The short version (that’s relevant here) is this:

Two key components of your brain are your reptilian brain (your reactive brain which operates defensively), and your neo-cortex (where you make reasonable, logical decisions).

And while the good news is that you have a partially rational brain, the bad news is that whenever you’re threatened, stressed, tired, frustrated, you don’t live in that part of your brain. Rather, you downshift into your reptilian mode and become automatically reactive, reacting defensively in the interests of self preservation. You don't make reasonable, logical choices. And as a result, well, you know. This is why your mother always told you to “count to 10.” If you let yourself react in the moment, you’ll say things you’ll wish you hadn’t said, do things you’ll wish you hadn’t done. Whether at work, with your family, interacting with acquaintances or strangers, with your broker, or on the road. And as a result, relationships can be damaged, money can be lost, automobiles can collide as road rage takes over, etc. You get the picture. This can be bad.

Back to the old adage about counting to 10. It’s true. And there’s more. Go beyond counting to 10. Actually do something productive in those 10 (or more) seconds:

1. Wait before succumbing to reactive activity (count to 10!)
   
2. Breathe deeply
   
3. Shift your inner locale: bring awareness to the situation—knowing that you are in your reptilian brain is one of the swiftest ways to move out of it. If this is too challenging, then do something to break up the reptilian mode—a quick way is to do something physical, like take a quick walk. And as you do, breathe deeply and let your mind relax. You will gain access to your logical brain, your neo-cortex
   

Now, reap the rewards of knowing how your mind works and operating from your reasonable brain: better choices, and better outcomes.

Have a great week.

Exercising Your Curiosity

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

                                                                    -       Walt Disney

Curiosity can do a lot for you. It can cause you to try new things, which can lead to discoveries, inventions, the creation of new products or services.

It can also do a lot toward the development of your business relationships. And if you want to get those discoveries, inventions, products and services out on the market and competing successfully, you’re going to need strong relationships.

How can curiosity help you in developing your business relationships?

We know that people do business with people they like. The question is: how does that “like” get developed? The answer is that you must create some form of connection. Yet, as so many of my clients point out, you may find that you have absolutely nothing in common with the other person—that you really can’t find any point of connection. Well, let’s clarify: connection doesn’t necessarily mean a common activity. It goes deeper than that. Just because I skydive and you garden doesn’t mean that we can’t develop a human connection. We can. And that human connection is born out of curiosity. If you are truly curious about another person—their thoughts, their activities, their goals—a bond is created.

Next time you’re having a first meeting (or any meeting!), exercise your natural curiosity, and learn about the other person. As you do, keep these principles in mind:

• Listen more than you talk
  
• Listen early—don’t dominate the airtime throughout the meeting and then show your curiosity at the end—it’s too late at that point
  
• Empathize—your curiosity can’t be clinical. Show that you’re going on the journey with them in heart as well as mind
  

On a final note, I’ve had clients admit that they’re going to have to fake this one, because they have no genuine curiosity about their own customers and clients. My answer? Good luck. People are looking for the genuine article. If you’re faking it, they’ll know. And, if you’re not truly interested in them, why are you in business? If you’re solely in it for yourself, that’s a poor foundation for a lasting and successful business that makes a real contribution. Whatever your business, whatever industry you’re in, you have an opportunity to have an impact and make a contribution. When you approach your business that way, your natural curiosity for your clients will surface. You will be genuine. You will contribute. And if you’re good, you just may be truly successful at the same time.

Being the Excellent Warrior

On business in Mexico City this week, it was fascinating watching the World Cup with locals: talk about caring about something. And loudly! And why not? They were cheering on their warriors—people they know dedicate themselves to the superb execution of their task.

Earlier this year, the day before the Super Bowl, I was reading an article on warriors of a different sport, the two opposing quarterbacks, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning. And the article left me, not someone who knows a lot about these two players, inspired. Truly and memorably inspired. And the word that came to mind, as the article outlined aspects of these two lives and how they’re lived on and off the field, was “excellence.” I was sitting in an airport reading the article, and I had to read it twice. Because while I was thinking excellence, what I was feeling was humility. Earned humility. As much as I like to think that I’m committed to being at the top of my game, these two people put me to shame. A good sort of shame—the kind that made me want that same level of excellence in my life. And literally, as I sat there, my physicality changed. I sat up a little straighter, breathed a little deeper, and began thinking about the ways I could raise my own level of excellence.

It seems like there is so much that conspires to keep us in “just getting through the day” mode. Whether it’s the news, health, frustration in a relationship, overwhelm at work, finances, or something else, commitment to our own excellence seems to go by the wayside.

What’s wrong with this? Two major and unhappy outcomes:

• Literally, the outcome will be less than it can be. Maybe way less. Maybe warranting failure in whatever the task is.
  
• Tremendous personal dissatisfaction on your part.
  

This week, choose one area of your life, and commit to excellence in that area. It may be large or small, but make it something concrete—an action you’re going to take. It may be around how you tackle a project, how you handle a conversation, how you prepare for a meeting or an important phone call.

Note (two, actually):

• For you recovering perfectionists, please know that “excellence” and “perfection” are not the same thing.
  
• If your life is in a state of overwhelm right now, don’t let this article add to it. Do this: because excellence truly is inspiring, and a little inspiration would probably be a good thing for you right now (especially coming from yourself), simply choose one small task this week that must be done anyway—nothing additional—and ask yourself how you could do it with excellence. And experience the satisfaction that comes with your own excellence.
  

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Yesterday, I was looking at information related to my industry online. As I did, I happened on some data in an area I’ve consulted in, although not for some time. It caught my attention, and I thought to myself, “I can do that.” And for two minutes, I thought about re-connecting with that area and bringing it back into my work with clients. And then I thought, “Wait. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

We live in the age of “can.” We have more resources, tools, access to information and options than at any time in history. We have so many more “can’s” than ever before. And this is a privilege. And…on another level, a burden. Wading through the sea of “can’s” to focus on what’s truly important, what will truly serve us and what we are working to accomplish (whether starting a new business, healing a damaged relationship, or just getting a good night’s sleep) is a challenge.

Because of access to education, transportation, opportunity, etc., I have expertise in that particular area I considered for two minutes. It’s true, I can do it. Yet—is that a good enough reason to do something? In the past, maybe, as there weren’t a lot of “can’s” available to people. Today—absolutely not.

We have to be so discerning about our choices—how we spend our time, what we choose to put into our bodies, what we choose to put into our minds. There is so much that we “can” do—so many options, many of them good, that it’s easy to lose track of the best one(s) for us.

As you embark on a new week, consider this:

1. Know that there will be many options presented to you this week
   
2. Ask yourself what is really important for you to focus on/accomplish this week (this month/this year)- REALLY important- one to three items
   
3. As choices and options arise, look at them in light of your commitments, and decide accordingly
   

In my case, my commitment, and what’s critical from a professional perspective, is to focus on my core business. So, after two minutes of considering “can,” I remembered that just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. And it became very easy to let that item go.

Whether your focus is professional or personal, give yourself a chance to move beyond the “can’s” this week, and move on what’s truly important to you.

Deciding You Can

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.”

- Henry Ford

We all face challenges. And our challenges typically fall under two broad categories: a circumstance, or a person (or a combination of the two). Yet according to Mr. Ford, and a long history of psychological research, there is a third category that just may trump the others: you. Meaning there are times when you are your own worst enemy, and you get in your own way. And that even if circumstances and people are lining up well, you can trip yourself up. There’s also a flipside to this third variable, the power of which is outlined so eloquently by Henry Ford—that we also have the power to overcome the other two variables. That even when circumstances and people seem to be working against you, there is something you may yet be able to do about it. Call it focus, belief, commitment, decisiveness, it’s something that belongs in this equation.

What is the issue in your life? Career? Boss? Health? Family? Relationship? The issues we face in these and other arenas can be very serious. And at the same time, there is this other variable, the “you” variable, which can often seem rather mysterious. Mysterious, yet real.

I’ve seen deals close when it looked like there was no way forward. I’ve seen people change when it seemed impossible. I’ve seen jobs appear when the market seemed utterly closed. And there are the stories of people given no hope by doctors who miraculously recovered.

I was a competitive runner throughout high school and college. Late in one of my races, I had the following four experiences, in this order:

1. Feeling like I was going to die
   
2. Knowing I was running all-out and had nothing left
   
3. Hearing another runner advancing from behind
   
4. Deciding I was going to win that race. Deciding I needed to find something, from somewhere, to fight off that other runner. I did. And I won.
   

After the joy and the recovery, came the wonderment. What had just happened? It seemed like math that didn’t make sense—I knew there was nothing left inside, yet when I decided I needed more, I found more. And I thought about the power that was floating around during that race—the power of pain, the power of exhaustion, and...the power of decisiveness.

If you’re facing a challenge right now—something you want to do but the obstacles seem insurmountable, think about where your mind is. I’m not saying you don’t have very real issues. What I’m saying is that, often mysteriously so, that’s not all that’s going on. And it would be a shame if you didn’t give that third variable a chance—that variable that revolves around you, your thoughts, your decisions.

This week, ask yourself: What am I thinking? What am I deciding?

Getting on Track and Staying There

How do we have productive conversations that stay on track and allow us to accomplish goals? Whether it’s a departmental or team discussion, a meeting with a customer, or a conversation in your personal life, things can get complicated. Wading through the various pieces of information that come from differing perspectives and the dynamics that arise from differing motivations and preferences can result in confusion, frustration, and lack of alignment and/or commitment.

One of our greatest tools for staying on track and avoiding the mess is also one of the most fundamental. And although it’s so fundamental, or perhaps because it is, it’s also most often misunderstood and misused. And as a result, is no help to us at all. Correctly understood and accurately harnessed, it’s a powerful force in successful dialogue, problem solving, and forward movement.

The tool:

An Agenda

Where We Go Wrong—Four Critical Mistakes:

1. We don't use the agenda properly. Go through the agenda twice: once, at the beginning of the meeting. This is the short version; no details yet. Then, spend the rest of the meeting going through the agenda a second time—this time with details and discussion. It's not enough to do this second piece. People leave out the first piece constantly, because they make assumptions about everyone's understanding and alignment. You must do both: short version, then long version.
2. We don’t get agreement on the agenda. When you lay out an agenda, find out what the others think about it, and invite them to add items they feel are critical.
   
3. We don’t stick to the agenda. Assuming we do get agreement on the agenda, we then let people run away with the meeting with every extraneous issue and tangent that comes to their mind. I don’t mean that we shouldn’t vary from the agenda if it makes more sense to do so. The agenda is there to serve you, and if something more important surfaces, then by all means, veer from the agenda. But here’s the trick: you must address the “veering off.” Don’t just go off agenda without acknowledging and getting agreement. “Everyone, it looks like something has surfaced that’s critical for us to address. Let’s agree on how we want to handle our remaining time—do we focus on this issue, or stick to the agenda, and take this issue up at another time? What’s going to be the most productive use of our time?”
   
4. We only use agendas for formal meetings—as if we think the purpose of an agenda is pomp and show. The purpose of an agenda is a great discussion that actually goes somewhere logical and accomplishes something useful. Use agendas liberally. Use them in your personal life. Seriously—as a list of what you need to talk about. “Hey Joe—now that we have a minute—let’s connect on a few things. How about if we touch base on what we want to do with the garage, and nail down a date for the party. That’s all I can think of—how about you? What else should we touch base on?"
   

Again, because the agenda is such a universal tool, we think we know it and we think we use it, and well. My experience is that this isn’t the case.

A client told me last week that this deeper idea of the agenda, not just creating it, but sticking to it even when (or especially because) the discussion is starting to get chaotic, has made all the difference for him in having organized conversations that actually get something done.

This week, look for opportunities to either:

• Stick to an agenda in a meeting that seems to be going off-track (or to only veer from the agenda if it makes sense and if the “veering” is addressed and agreed upon), or
  
• Use an agenda in an informal conversation that, while informal, could still benefit from agreement on a list of topics to discuss
  

Going for the Mints, Not the Gum (or—Taking it Up a Notch)

I was at a professional association meeting recently. Dinner had just finished, the speaker stood up and began his presentation, and from behind me—Snap. Chomp. Crack. A woman was chewing gum. Loudly. At some point before the meeting, she was at a store, faced with the choice of buying the gum or the mints, and she chose the gum.

Every day, we are presented with an array of choices. And at many intervals throughout each day, we must make decisions, large and small. Because of their size, and because we know they have consequences, we tend to take the large ones seriously. What we mostly overlook are the small ones. And as a result, we make those decisions without much thought, generally going for what’s comfortable, settling for what’s typical—for ourselves and/or for the general population.

If you want to be like everyone else, that setup works fine. If you’re interested in setting yourself apart, and distinguishing yourself for growth and recognition, however, read on.

I’ve seen that a lot of success comes from the small things. We are presented with opportunities each day to either do what everyone else does and what our own habits dictate, or to take it up a notch.

For example—gum or mints? Now, in certain industries, and in certain situations, chewing gum isn’t an issue.

It is an issue, however, in many settings:

• In close proximity to other people, regardless of what industry you work in (it’s distracting—I couldn’t concentrate on the speaker, just the chomping)
  
• In meetings with customers or vendors, regardless of the industry
  
• In any corporate or office setting (I’ve seen this violated at very high levels and in very expensive suits)
  
• In hospitality and retail settings
  
• In any position of leadership
  

Let's look beyond gum or mints. To take it up a notch for yourself, look at one of the small decisions you make on a regular basis, and try this:

1. Identify your goal
   
2. Consider your situation
   
3. Look at your options
   
4. Choose the option that enables you to take it up a notch, and take action on it
   

Here’s a no-brainer for the chewing gum situation: If your goal is to grow in your career, and you work in an office, when deciding whether to buy the gum or the mints—go for the mints!

This week, look at the decisions you make each day. Take a deep breath, choose one area for your next small place of growth and change, and walk through the four steps listed above. 

And take it up a notch.