Expecting, Believing, and Giving Thanks

When asked, many people can identify a “most influential teacher”—the one who really made a difference, and whose lessons stuck.

Mine was Mr. McEachen, my high school English teacher. He died unexpectedly last weekend (the weekend before Thanksgiving), while racing his boat in the Holiday Classic, the Santa Barbara Yacht Club’s final race of the 2010 season. He had a heart attack—his first. He was 66.

Dave McEachen was “that teacher” for me for two reasons. First, some character context (almost as important as the reasons):

I’ll sum up his character with three mantras of his. I should say that I never heard him say any of these—his family chose to print them in the program for his service. Sitting at the service, reading these mantras, I was so glad they did. They brought me right back to him, as I saw him exhibit them every day of my junior and senior years of high school:

• Always connect
  
• Err on the side of kindness
  
• Make your happiness
  

As for the two reasons he was “that teacher” for me:

• He expected the world of us—he had a reputation for being very tough, and as my AP English teacher, he lived up to it
  
• He believed the best in us, and treated us accordingly
  

It’s amazing how that combination—high expectations and deep belief—can cause you to be and perform at your very best. They did that for me. He did that for me.

In his eulogy, one of Dave’s sons said how thankful he was that his father retired at 60. He expressed how he’d thought they’d have another 20 years together, but he was at least grateful that they’d had so much of him for six.

There are so many things I’m thankful for this season. I’m thankful for Mr. McEachen’s high expectations, calling me to rise to the occasion of my potential. I’m thankful for his treatment of me—one of firm and respectful belief in my ability. If someone I respect so much believes I have it in me, then maybe I really do. And I’m thankful for his son’s reminder, in a time in which the pressure is fierce to focus on what he’s lost, to focus on what he has—those precious and full six years.

My heart is full, and I pulled it all together into my blog entry this week—the power of expecting the best in others…and ourselves. The power of believing the best, again, in others, and ourselves. And the power of being thankful.

Thanksgiving, giving thanks, may officially be over.

I encourage us to be unofficial and keep it up.

Being Assertive

Assertive or Aggressive?

It’s up to you.

First, you need to understand what you’re after. Then, you need to consider your options.

1. What are you after: I consult with clients all around the world on ways to build their business results. Everyone seems to agree that best practices vary in application across cultures. Everyone also seems to agree that while those best practices may vary in application, they are pretty consistent in their principle(s). And one of the principles, regardless of the culture you’re operating in, is—results. You’re responsible for achieving results—for yourself, for your employer. So, okay. We’re after results. And sometimes, depending on the culture you’re operating in, this means speaking up firmly. The question is, how?
   
2. Consider your options: Many clients tell me that aggressive is the way to go. It’s definite, there’s no question of your intention, it strikes hard. And I point out that the downside is that it tends to include something else—an element of blame, hurt, perhaps under-handedness. So, what to do? How do you achieve definiteness, clarity and power, without the blame/hurt part? The answer is assertiveness. Assertiveness is definite, direct in intention, strikes with clarity. And it does all of this within a context of respect. Think of assertiveness this way: as opposed to attacking an opponent, you’re speaking truth, with conviction, to a partner.

Scare me with your aggressiveness, and you may or may not win the battle. You almost certainly won’t win the war. Come to me with your assertiveness, and I will sense your respect for me, and I will respect you. And consider this—I ultimately don’t really listen to my attacker. I listen to my trusted partner.

This week, think about any firm messages you need to communicate. First, consider what you’re after. Then, consider your options.

And in regards to options, I recommend assertive.

Rising Above the Hidden Distractions

You have things going on—work to do, a life to live. What you probably don’t have time for is distraction. I’m not talking about physical distraction of people or things, although those are very real and must be addressed. I’m talking about something more insidious, and therefore easy to miss. I’m talking about mental or emotional distraction: things that come up that are irritating you at some level, and draw your focus to them, and away from more productive thoughts and therefore activities.

I just got off a 15-hour flight to Hong Kong. The flight was fine, the taxi ride from the airport was fine, but come on. After that long a flight, you’re ready to get out of things that move and get somewhere on solid ground near a bed. Now, when I get into a taxi in a foreign city, I always find out if the driver is familiar with my destination. At home, if the driver gets lost, I pull out my smartphone and access my GPS. Love that about my phone, until it comes to leaving the country. No Verizon off of home soil, so if the driver doesn’t know the hotel, I can’t help him get there. This driver said he knew where he was going. And he mostly did, until the end. Due to one-way streets and certain street markings, he had trouble getting me to the hotel. He had to circle a few blocks (in traffic- so this is now taking awhile). After he’d done this a couple of times, the distraction began for me—thoughts like “This is taking way too long, he should know the way, what a waste of time….” Notice the negative spin distraction like this typically takes. Next, he volunteered to let me off a little ways away from the hotel, in the dark, in a back alley. I’m not sure what caused him to think that would be appealing. My distraction (irritation, now distracting me by steering me away from productive thoughts) increased—“You have to be kidding,” I was now in sarcasm mode in my head. I urged him to try again, and he finally got fairly near the hotel. I got out of the taxi with my luggage and prepared to drag it a ways, over curbs, with the distraction at full tilt—“What a bother,” “I’m way too tired for this,” “That guy seriously needs to know his city better….” These thoughts don’t sound like a big deal, yet in my experience, they add up.

You can either be someone who lets things get to you all of the time, some of the time, or not much of the time if at all. It’s really obvious when someone fits the first category—they’re hard to be around. Everything’s negative. Most of us would probably put ourselves in the second category—but why? It distracts you and saps your energy with its negative spin. The people in the third category will get the most done, because they’re not wasting emotional or mental effort on the small stuff.

There’s a simple shortcut through mental or emotional distraction. If you’re a 15^th Century English Mystic (Julian of Norwich), it’s “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.” If you’re more contemporary, it may be, “It’s all good.”

When I got out of the taxi, with my negative mental state, I was face-to-face with a florist shop. I wouldn’t have seen the shop at all if the driver hadn’t had his directional issues, as it's situated in the opposite direction I will go each morning this week for work. And the floor-to-ceiling window was filled, just filled, with my favorite flower—the white orchid. Lots and lots of them, cascading. It overwhelmingly felt like a personal welcome for me. I stood there on the sidewalk and drank it in, actually glad the driver had dropped me a ways beyond the hotel, delay and all. And I was struck with the reminder of how important it is to consistently join Julian and her pals—people throughout the ages who have said not only “I’m not going to sweat the small stuff,” but “The thing that’s bugging me right now may ultimately be a gift.”

This week, keep your mind open. If something is irritating you, it’s distracting you. Don’t let it. Trust that there’s a white orchid somewhere, somehow in it for you, let go of the distracting thoughts, focus on what you’re working on, and move forward.

Saying What You Need to Say, Productively

I spent time with my niece and nephew this weekend, and it was great hearing them explore and experiment with language. “What’s ‘tedious’?” my 9-year-old nephew asked, after hearing SpongeBob use the term with one of his aquatic buddies. Good for him for not just watching, but exercising his curiosity. The exploration of language went beyond vocabulary, into phraseology and real expression: “That is not helping my situation,” my 7-year-old niece said at one point (she and her brother were in an argument, she needed some adult assistance and sought it. Advice was given. She didn't like it. Clearly). The phrasing was so precise, and delivered with such aplomb, it seemed incongruous coming from a 7-year old. I had to fight the temptation to laugh. This was serious business (which got taken care of).

What do words mean? What do phrases convey? And based on that, the real question is, “How do I say what I need to say?” Figuring out how to express yourself when there is something sensitive on the table is a big deal. Given the dynamics of relationships and the important issues that may be at stake, the complexities are very real. I see my clients struggle with this, and a lot of our work together is around the principles that underlie productive communication. Principles that can be used in talking with anyone at work, at home, in life.

My niece chose her words extremely well. She followed, unknowingly, one of the key principles: Don’t mix emotion in with information. Her words were clearly meant to inform, and nothing else. She could have said, “That will never work,” “You’ve got to be kidding,” “I’d like to see you try that,” or any one of a number of common phrases. Yet, notice that these three phrases not only inform, they also include an element of emotion. And they often result in the listener inferring a secondary goal, beyond informing—a goal of accusation or shame:

• “That will never work”- the use of the word “never” can be taken as a global judgment by the listener. Rather than something like “I don’t believe that will work in this situation, and here’s why,” which focuses on informing, the use of the word “never” can elevate the comment to sound like, “That’s a ridiculous suggestion, in and of itself. It would never work in any situation. You are clearly a person who comes up with ridiculous suggestions.” Sound extreme? Maybe. It’s possible the person may not take it this way. But if they are keyed up in any way, if they are even the slightest bit defensive, they will.
  
• “You've got to be kidding” and “I’d like to see you try that” convey information plus sarcasm. So they inform, and they also jab, conveying that the suggestion is ridiculous. This isn’t useful to you, since it will almost certainly cause your listener to go on the defensive.
  

If you really want to solve problems and move forward, examine how you express yourself to other people. And take a lesson from my niece—inform, don’t accuse, shame, or jab.

On a final note, all of this is not to say that we shouldn’t express emotion. It’s important to do so. It’s simply that it will be more productive, and serve you better, to also express your emotions in an informing way, rather than a jabbing or shaming way. “I am extremely frustrated about this. And I appreciate your suggestion—I don’t believe it will work in this situation, and here’s why” will get you what you need far more than, “I’d like to see YOU try that.”

Listening

Last week, while walking down Polk Street in San Francisco, a billboard caught my eye. It exhibited a principle that's used by my most talented clients in leading organizations around the world:

“There’s a reason they say ‘Talk to Chuck,’ not ‘Listen to Chuck.’” 

Those may not have been the exact words, but they’re pretty close.

In 2005, Charles Schwab launched its “Talk to Chuck” ad campaign, developed by its new ad agency Euro RSCG. At the time, CEO Chuck Schwab sent a letter to investors orienting them to the campaign in which he stated, “I’ve built my entire company based on listening to people first. Then talking.”

Now, there are a few things we know: we know that you don’t get to be someone like Chuck Schwab without being…pretty smart. We also know that advertising agencies, the top ones in particular, aren’t cheap. And we (as consumers) also know that the good agencies understand us. They know psychology, and they know how we think and what we respond to.

So…what we have is a very smart guy, an expensive agency that knows a lot about people, and the current campaign, which is essentially saying: we’re not about talking. We’re about listening. And, you have us: the people they’re trying to engage with, build a relationship with, and influence.

So here’s a thought—is there anyone you need to engage with? Build a relationship with? Possibly influence? If you’re human, the answer at some level has to be “yes.” “Yes” in your professional life, “yes” in your personal life.  Well, save your money. Rather than hire Chuck as your consultant and Euro RSCG as your agency, simply follow their wisdom: think about who you need to engage with, build a relationship with, and/or influence. And listen to them.

I will tell you from experience: both my own experience, and that of clients in organizations as diverse as Microsoft, Citibank, FedEx and Sony—the power of listening? It’s real. And it works.