Spending Yourself

I moved a couple of weeks ago. Somewhere among end-of year work projects and holiday shopping came unpacking boxes and setting up house. Some of the boxes hadn’t been opened for a year, when I got rid of my New York apartment and shipped everything to Los Angeles. I pulled a beautiful candle out of one of the boxes that I’d saved until I moved into this new place—a wait that wound up being a year long. And my first thought was, “No more saving.”

I’ve always been a saver. This can be good when you’re talking financials. Yet there are other areas in life where an over-emphasis on saving can be a detriment. Things are meant to be used: food is meant to be eaten, clothes are meant to be worn, candles are meant to be lit. Seriously. I’ve had great food go bad, favorite clothes eaten by moths, high-end candles melt in hot cars and garages and become unusable. This is just a waste.

And as wasteful as this is, nothing is more wasteful, and perhaps sadder, than doing the same thing with your life.

After “No more saving,” my thought process went on to, “I want to use what I have. I want to spend—my things, myself, my life.” The last thing I want to do is to come to the end of my life and find that it was, even a little bit, unspent. 

The poet Mary Oliver asks, 

        “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” 

A very big question. If it’s too big for you at this point, narrow the aperture from your life in general to your time right now. What will you do now? What will your 2011 be?

And keep in mind that the question isn’t “Will you spend yourself?” but “HOW will you spend yourself?” Because there is no doubt—you will spend yourself. You have no choice in that. None of us do.

As I kept unpacking, I remembered a scene from the film Gattaca in which the genetically superior brother asks the main character, played by Ethan Hawke, how in the world he won their swim races as children. The answer: “I never saved anything for the trip back.”

Whether it’s inappropriate saving, or holding back, or avoiding, or not committing to, or whatever, ask yourself:

How will I spend myself this year? What will I dive into with my time, my heart, my life, myself?

Having a Great Holiday—With Others

Over the next couple of weeks, many of us will be spending time with extended family members—perhaps even staying under the same roof. These relationships may be easy and warm…or not. In the flurry of holiday activities, sometimes in cramped quarters with one another, and possibly with individuals who just seem to march to a different drummer than you, interesting things can happen (feel free to interpret “interesting” any way you like). Or maybe these are generally easy relationships. Wonderful. Simply keep in mind that when spending time together, sharing space together, perhaps for several days—buttons can get pushed.

To maximize your enjoyment of the season, don’t just plan ahead with gift-giving. Plan ahead in regards to relationships.

Anticipate what might happen by considering past experience. For example, the uncle who pulls people into unwanted political debates then disparages their point of view, or the in-law who asks you to watch their children for a bit then stays out all day, or the brother who leaves you to do all the cleanup on your own.

Whatever the “habits” people pull on you at these family gatherings, don’t be blind-sided. Anticipate, and make your plan ahead of time. If and when these things show up, you may choose to:

• Let it go. You don’t see them often enough, the trip will be short enough, it’s not worth it etc.
  
• Get more information.  There may be something driving their behavior that you aren’t aware of. Dig a little, find out what’s going on. Only be sure to do this in an exploratory way, not an accusatory one
  
• Say “No”
  

If you choose “No,” there are several ways to do it:

• Simply say “No.” Do it courteously. Just because they’re being rude, assuming they are, doesn’t mean you have to. Still, say “No”
  
• Need a line? Here’s a great one: “That won’t work for me.” If you like, stick a “Thank you” onto the front end to soften it a little.
  
• A “No” that affirms the relationship and still creates the boundary follows this flow: 1) acknowledge, 2) give a reason, and 2) say “No.” For example, “I know you have your hands full. I actually have a commitment today, so won’t be available to watch your children.”
  

Don’t let other people’s behavior make you feel out of control and detract from the enjoyment of the holiday. Anticipate, make a plan*, and follow it. And have a wonderful holiday.

* Keep in mind that your plan may be to do nothing. This doesn’t mean you’re out of control. As long as you’re doing it for good reason, it's actually the opposite. You’re in control. 

Making Plans to Wake Up Enriched and Energized on January 1st

You’re likely a busy person most of the time, but “busy” takes on new proportions at this time of year. Most of us are overwhelmed with all of the commitments this season brings.

In the midst of obligations and activities, I encourage you to step back and consider the two major happenings of December:

• The holiday season
  
• The turning of the year
  

Whatever you do, make space for yourself to fully embrace and have a significant experience in these two areas:

• The holiday season: think about what’s important to you during the holidays—whether it’s spiritual matters, family, friends, or a combination, think about what you absolutely must engage in in order to have a great holiday, and be sure to make room for it
  
• The turning of the year: make room for yourself to move into the new year with thoughtfulness, focus, and renewed energy. A great way to do this is to take a little time to look at the past year, considering what you learned, how you grew, and what you’re grateful for, and to look at the year to come and set some goals
  

If you need to say “no” to some things in order to make sure these two areas don’t get the short end of the stick, do so. When you wake up on January 1^st, you’ll thank yourself, as you’ll be enriched from the holiday season, you’ll have made peace with 2010, and you’ll be ready to move forward into a great new year.

Setting SMART Goals

It’s December, which means that January—a new year!—is around the corner. While you’re probably facing a full schedule with end-of-year activities, whether closing out business or holiday shopping or social and family activities (likely all of the above), give yourself a corner of your mind to start thinking about what you’d like to start fresh with in the New Year.

Here’s something to focus your thinking: start thinking about setting SMART goals.

The SMART approach to goal-setting may be something you already use in your professional life. Whether that is the case or not, in anticipation of a new year, put some thought into it for your personal life.

SMART stands for:

• Specific
  
• Measurable
  
• Achievable
  
• Realistic
  
• Time-Based
  

For example, if your goal is to lose weight in the new year, be sure not to leave it at that. If you’re overweight, “I want to lose weight” is certainly a good goal. It’s just that it could be SMARTer. Let’s make it SMART:

• Specific: Give it a number (e.g. 10 pounds)
  
• Measurable: This can be used in a mathematical formula (Specific + Time-based = Measurable), because anything that is specific and quantifiable, and that has a time-frame around it, can be measured ("lose 10 pounds by June 30" can be measured by getting on a scale on June 30)
  
• Achievable: Is it achievable for you, knowing yourself and your history?
  
• Realistic: Is it realistic, given the timeframe you’ve set and the other things going on in your life? (Some people have enough overlap with Achievable and Realistic that it’s worth it to them to shift the R word to Relevant, which also works—be sure the goal makes sense, given the larger context of your life and other priorities)
  
• Time-Based: Give it a deadline (June 30)
  

So…rather than “I want to lose weight,” the SMART goal becomes “I will lose 10 pounds by June 30.”

Remember the mathematical formula—Specific + Time-bound = Measurable. I can get on the scale on June 30 and see if I’ve achieved my goal. As far as Achievable and Realistic (or Relevant) go, that’s up to you and your wisdom—knowing yourself, knowing the context of your life. For example, if you know that you will be on a work project that will require travel and you can’t guarantee how much exercise you will be able to commit to, and you know that exercise is critical to your weight-loss, you may adjust your deadline accordingly.

The next step, once your specific goal is set, is to develop a plan for achieving it.

For this week, give yourself a corner of your mind to begin thinking about worthwhile goals for you for the new year. We’ll address how to create plans to achieve them in the coming weeks.