Having a Great Holiday—With Others

Over the next couple of weeks, many of us will be spending time with extended family members—perhaps even staying under the same roof. These relationships may be easy and warm…or not. In the flurry of holiday activities, sometimes in cramped quarters with one another, and possibly with individuals who just seem to march to a different drummer than you, interesting things can happen (feel free to interpret “interesting” any way you like). Or maybe these are generally easy relationships. Wonderful. Simply keep in mind that when spending time together, sharing space together, perhaps for several days—buttons can get pushed.

To maximize your enjoyment of the season, don’t just plan ahead with gift-giving. Plan ahead in regards to relationships.

Anticipate what might happen by considering past experience. For example, the uncle who pulls people into unwanted political debates then disparages their point of view, or the in-law who asks you to watch their children for a bit then stays out all day, or the brother who leaves you to do all the cleanup on your own.

Whatever the “habits” people pull on you at these family gatherings, don’t be blind-sided. Anticipate, and make your plan ahead of time. If and when these things show up, you may choose to:

• Let it go. You don’t see them often enough, the trip will be short enough, it’s not worth it etc.
  
• Get more information.  There may be something driving their behavior that you aren’t aware of. Dig a little, find out what’s going on. Only be sure to do this in an exploratory way, not an accusatory one
  
• Say “No”
  

If you choose “No,” there are several ways to do it:

• Simply say “No.” Do it courteously. Just because they’re being rude, assuming they are, doesn’t mean you have to. Still, say “No”
  
• Need a line? Here’s a great one: “That won’t work for me.” If you like, stick a “Thank you” onto the front end to soften it a little.
  
• A “No” that affirms the relationship and still creates the boundary follows this flow: 1) acknowledge, 2) give a reason, and 2) say “No.” For example, “I know you have your hands full. I actually have a commitment today, so won’t be available to watch your children.”
  

Don’t let other people’s behavior make you feel out of control and detract from the enjoyment of the holiday. Anticipate, make a plan*, and follow it. And have a wonderful holiday.

* Keep in mind that your plan may be to do nothing. This doesn’t mean you’re out of control. As long as you’re doing it for good reason, it's actually the opposite. You’re in control.