Deciding You Can

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.”

- Henry Ford

We all face challenges. And our challenges typically fall under two broad categories: a circumstance, or a person (or a combination of the two). Yet according to Mr. Ford, and a long history of psychological research, there is a third category that just may trump the others: you. Meaning there are times when you are your own worst enemy, and you get in your own way. And that even if circumstances and people are lining up well, you can trip yourself up. There’s also a flipside to this third variable, the power of which is outlined so eloquently by Henry Ford—that we also have the power to overcome the other two variables. That even when circumstances and people seem to be working against you, there is something you may yet be able to do about it. Call it focus, belief, commitment, decisiveness, it’s something that belongs in this equation.

What is the issue in your life? Career? Boss? Health? Family? Relationship? The issues we face in these and other arenas can be very serious. And at the same time, there is this other variable, the “you” variable, which can often seem rather mysterious. Mysterious, yet real.

I’ve seen deals close when it looked like there was no way forward. I’ve seen people change when it seemed impossible. I’ve seen jobs appear when the market seemed utterly closed. And there are the stories of people given no hope by doctors who miraculously recovered.

I was a competitive runner throughout high school and college. Late in one of my races, I had the following four experiences, in this order:

1. Feeling like I was going to die
   
2. Knowing I was running all-out and had nothing left
   
3. Hearing another runner advancing from behind
   
4. Deciding I was going to win that race. Deciding I needed to find something, from somewhere, to fight off that other runner. I did. And I won.
   

After the joy and the recovery, came the wonderment. What had just happened? It seemed like math that didn’t make sense—I knew there was nothing left inside, yet when I decided I needed more, I found more. And I thought about the power that was floating around during that race—the power of pain, the power of exhaustion, and...the power of decisiveness.

If you’re facing a challenge right now—something you want to do but the obstacles seem insurmountable, think about where your mind is. I’m not saying you don’t have very real issues. What I’m saying is that, often mysteriously so, that’s not all that’s going on. And it would be a shame if you didn’t give that third variable a chance—that variable that revolves around you, your thoughts, your decisions.

This week, ask yourself: What am I thinking? What am I deciding?

Getting on Track and Staying There

How do we have productive conversations that stay on track and allow us to accomplish goals? Whether it’s a departmental or team discussion, a meeting with a customer, or a conversation in your personal life, things can get complicated. Wading through the various pieces of information that come from differing perspectives and the dynamics that arise from differing motivations and preferences can result in confusion, frustration, and lack of alignment and/or commitment.

One of our greatest tools for staying on track and avoiding the mess is also one of the most fundamental. And although it’s so fundamental, or perhaps because it is, it’s also most often misunderstood and misused. And as a result, is no help to us at all. Correctly understood and accurately harnessed, it’s a powerful force in successful dialogue, problem solving, and forward movement.

The tool:

An Agenda

Where We Go Wrong—Four Critical Mistakes:

1. We don't use the agenda properly. Go through the agenda twice: once, at the beginning of the meeting. This is the short version; no details yet. Then, spend the rest of the meeting going through the agenda a second time—this time with details and discussion. It's not enough to do this second piece. People leave out the first piece constantly, because they make assumptions about everyone's understanding and alignment. You must do both: short version, then long version.
2. We don’t get agreement on the agenda. When you lay out an agenda, find out what the others think about it, and invite them to add items they feel are critical.
   
3. We don’t stick to the agenda. Assuming we do get agreement on the agenda, we then let people run away with the meeting with every extraneous issue and tangent that comes to their mind. I don’t mean that we shouldn’t vary from the agenda if it makes more sense to do so. The agenda is there to serve you, and if something more important surfaces, then by all means, veer from the agenda. But here’s the trick: you must address the “veering off.” Don’t just go off agenda without acknowledging and getting agreement. “Everyone, it looks like something has surfaced that’s critical for us to address. Let’s agree on how we want to handle our remaining time—do we focus on this issue, or stick to the agenda, and take this issue up at another time? What’s going to be the most productive use of our time?”
   
4. We only use agendas for formal meetings—as if we think the purpose of an agenda is pomp and show. The purpose of an agenda is a great discussion that actually goes somewhere logical and accomplishes something useful. Use agendas liberally. Use them in your personal life. Seriously—as a list of what you need to talk about. “Hey Joe—now that we have a minute—let’s connect on a few things. How about if we touch base on what we want to do with the garage, and nail down a date for the party. That’s all I can think of—how about you? What else should we touch base on?"
   

Again, because the agenda is such a universal tool, we think we know it and we think we use it, and well. My experience is that this isn’t the case.

A client told me last week that this deeper idea of the agenda, not just creating it, but sticking to it even when (or especially because) the discussion is starting to get chaotic, has made all the difference for him in having organized conversations that actually get something done.

This week, look for opportunities to either:

• Stick to an agenda in a meeting that seems to be going off-track (or to only veer from the agenda if it makes sense and if the “veering” is addressed and agreed upon), or
  
• Use an agenda in an informal conversation that, while informal, could still benefit from agreement on a list of topics to discuss
  

Going for the Mints, Not the Gum (or—Taking it Up a Notch)

I was at a professional association meeting recently. Dinner had just finished, the speaker stood up and began his presentation, and from behind me—Snap. Chomp. Crack. A woman was chewing gum. Loudly. At some point before the meeting, she was at a store, faced with the choice of buying the gum or the mints, and she chose the gum.

Every day, we are presented with an array of choices. And at many intervals throughout each day, we must make decisions, large and small. Because of their size, and because we know they have consequences, we tend to take the large ones seriously. What we mostly overlook are the small ones. And as a result, we make those decisions without much thought, generally going for what’s comfortable, settling for what’s typical—for ourselves and/or for the general population.

If you want to be like everyone else, that setup works fine. If you’re interested in setting yourself apart, and distinguishing yourself for growth and recognition, however, read on.

I’ve seen that a lot of success comes from the small things. We are presented with opportunities each day to either do what everyone else does and what our own habits dictate, or to take it up a notch.

For example—gum or mints? Now, in certain industries, and in certain situations, chewing gum isn’t an issue.

It is an issue, however, in many settings:

• In close proximity to other people, regardless of what industry you work in (it’s distracting—I couldn’t concentrate on the speaker, just the chomping)
  
• In meetings with customers or vendors, regardless of the industry
  
• In any corporate or office setting (I’ve seen this violated at very high levels and in very expensive suits)
  
• In hospitality and retail settings
  
• In any position of leadership
  

Let's look beyond gum or mints. To take it up a notch for yourself, look at one of the small decisions you make on a regular basis, and try this:

1. Identify your goal
   
2. Consider your situation
   
3. Look at your options
   
4. Choose the option that enables you to take it up a notch, and take action on it
   

Here’s a no-brainer for the chewing gum situation: If your goal is to grow in your career, and you work in an office, when deciding whether to buy the gum or the mints—go for the mints!

This week, look at the decisions you make each day. Take a deep breath, choose one area for your next small place of growth and change, and walk through the four steps listed above. 

And take it up a notch.

Saying “No” to “No Problem”

I stopped by a coffeehouse for an iced latte yesterday. In response to my “Thank you,” the barista said something I hear more and more these days: “No problem.” Keep in mind that I had just paid money (a lot, actually—the priciest latte I’ve ever purchased—they don’t give it away at NYC’s Rockefeller Center) that will go into the coffers of that establishment and help keep it in business.

Now, I’m fairly sure the barista spoke with the intention of goodwill. At the same time, she failed to understand what her words actually communicated. “No problem” intimates that a problem has been created by one person, and that the other person is absolving that person of guilt by saying, “No problem.” They may as well say, “I forgive you.” And a barista forgiving you for buying a really expensive coffee that helps her keep her job somehow doesn’t make sense.

You may be thinking, “It’s just an expression!”

Here’s why this is important:

Language is strong stuff. While it’s a common expression, it also communicates something. When we hear “No problem,” on the surface, we accept it and it seems fine. Yet on a deeper level, often a subconscious level, we experience a low-grade dissatisfaction. A wondering. Something in us knows that something’s not quite right. Try this: notice how you feel the next time someone responds to your “Thank you” with “No problem.”  And then notice how you feel the next time someone responds with, “And thank you for coming in,” “You’re welcome,” “My pleasure,” “Happy to help” or “Anytime.” It’s likely that you will feel different. There’s more grace and more giving with those phrases. There’s more of a sense of satisfaction—a definite, not just possible, affirmation of goodwill. Those phrases actually create something positive and constructive—they have life. “No problem” lacks this—at best it’s neutral, and at worst it feels like a mild reprimand; an indication that you have put someone else out.

The bottom line:

As you seek to build constructive relationships at work or in any sphere, make sure you have everything marching in the right direction and working for you. Why work hard at developing productive communication and relationships, then weaken them with language that can work against you?

This week, choose language that will help and build and create, rather than language that will diminish. And “You're welcome,” or a derivative thereof, is a great place to start.