Understanding How Your Brain Works

Many friends of mine, upon becoming parents, have commented on the challenges and the complexities, and the dangers of getting parenting all wrong. Essentially, they seem to all agree that anyone moving into parenthood should have to take a class and pass a certification. “We have to study and pass multiple tests for the privilege of driving a car. Seems like we should have to do at least that for the privilege of raising a child.”

Makes sense.

Driving a car: serious.

Raising a child: serious.

And how about—living and being in the world: also serious.

Because living and being in the world, whether or not you drive a car or raise a child, requires making multiple decisions every day. Decisions that determine the quality of your life and, because we live in the world of people and most of our decisions in some way impact others, the quality of other people’s lives.

The trouble is—most of us really have no idea what’s happening when we make those decisions. And as a result, we put ourselves and others at the mercy of what are often low-quality decisions with equally low-quality outcomes.

So, how does your brain work? The short version (that’s relevant here) is this:

Two key components of your brain are your reptilian brain (your reactive brain which operates defensively), and your neo-cortex (where you make reasonable, logical decisions).

And while the good news is that you have a partially rational brain, the bad news is that whenever you’re threatened, stressed, tired, frustrated, you don’t live in that part of your brain. Rather, you downshift into your reptilian mode and become automatically reactive, reacting defensively in the interests of self preservation. You don't make reasonable, logical choices. And as a result, well, you know. This is why your mother always told you to “count to 10.” If you let yourself react in the moment, you’ll say things you’ll wish you hadn’t said, do things you’ll wish you hadn’t done. Whether at work, with your family, interacting with acquaintances or strangers, with your broker, or on the road. And as a result, relationships can be damaged, money can be lost, automobiles can collide as road rage takes over, etc. You get the picture. This can be bad.

Back to the old adage about counting to 10. It’s true. And there’s more. Go beyond counting to 10. Actually do something productive in those 10 (or more) seconds:

1. Wait before succumbing to reactive activity (count to 10!)
   
2. Breathe deeply
   
3. Shift your inner locale: bring awareness to the situation—knowing that you are in your reptilian brain is one of the swiftest ways to move out of it. If this is too challenging, then do something to break up the reptilian mode—a quick way is to do something physical, like take a quick walk. And as you do, breathe deeply and let your mind relax. You will gain access to your logical brain, your neo-cortex
   

Now, reap the rewards of knowing how your mind works and operating from your reasonable brain: better choices, and better outcomes.

Have a great week.

Exercising Your Curiosity

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

                                                                    -       Walt Disney

Curiosity can do a lot for you. It can cause you to try new things, which can lead to discoveries, inventions, the creation of new products or services.

It can also do a lot toward the development of your business relationships. And if you want to get those discoveries, inventions, products and services out on the market and competing successfully, you’re going to need strong relationships.

How can curiosity help you in developing your business relationships?

We know that people do business with people they like. The question is: how does that “like” get developed? The answer is that you must create some form of connection. Yet, as so many of my clients point out, you may find that you have absolutely nothing in common with the other person—that you really can’t find any point of connection. Well, let’s clarify: connection doesn’t necessarily mean a common activity. It goes deeper than that. Just because I skydive and you garden doesn’t mean that we can’t develop a human connection. We can. And that human connection is born out of curiosity. If you are truly curious about another person—their thoughts, their activities, their goals—a bond is created.

Next time you’re having a first meeting (or any meeting!), exercise your natural curiosity, and learn about the other person. As you do, keep these principles in mind:

• Listen more than you talk
  
• Listen early—don’t dominate the airtime throughout the meeting and then show your curiosity at the end—it’s too late at that point
  
• Empathize—your curiosity can’t be clinical. Show that you’re going on the journey with them in heart as well as mind
  

On a final note, I’ve had clients admit that they’re going to have to fake this one, because they have no genuine curiosity about their own customers and clients. My answer? Good luck. People are looking for the genuine article. If you’re faking it, they’ll know. And, if you’re not truly interested in them, why are you in business? If you’re solely in it for yourself, that’s a poor foundation for a lasting and successful business that makes a real contribution. Whatever your business, whatever industry you’re in, you have an opportunity to have an impact and make a contribution. When you approach your business that way, your natural curiosity for your clients will surface. You will be genuine. You will contribute. And if you’re good, you just may be truly successful at the same time.

Being the Excellent Warrior

On business in Mexico City this week, it was fascinating watching the World Cup with locals: talk about caring about something. And loudly! And why not? They were cheering on their warriors—people they know dedicate themselves to the superb execution of their task.

Earlier this year, the day before the Super Bowl, I was reading an article on warriors of a different sport, the two opposing quarterbacks, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning. And the article left me, not someone who knows a lot about these two players, inspired. Truly and memorably inspired. And the word that came to mind, as the article outlined aspects of these two lives and how they’re lived on and off the field, was “excellence.” I was sitting in an airport reading the article, and I had to read it twice. Because while I was thinking excellence, what I was feeling was humility. Earned humility. As much as I like to think that I’m committed to being at the top of my game, these two people put me to shame. A good sort of shame—the kind that made me want that same level of excellence in my life. And literally, as I sat there, my physicality changed. I sat up a little straighter, breathed a little deeper, and began thinking about the ways I could raise my own level of excellence.

It seems like there is so much that conspires to keep us in “just getting through the day” mode. Whether it’s the news, health, frustration in a relationship, overwhelm at work, finances, or something else, commitment to our own excellence seems to go by the wayside.

What’s wrong with this? Two major and unhappy outcomes:

• Literally, the outcome will be less than it can be. Maybe way less. Maybe warranting failure in whatever the task is.
  
• Tremendous personal dissatisfaction on your part.
  

This week, choose one area of your life, and commit to excellence in that area. It may be large or small, but make it something concrete—an action you’re going to take. It may be around how you tackle a project, how you handle a conversation, how you prepare for a meeting or an important phone call.

Note (two, actually):

• For you recovering perfectionists, please know that “excellence” and “perfection” are not the same thing.
  
• If your life is in a state of overwhelm right now, don’t let this article add to it. Do this: because excellence truly is inspiring, and a little inspiration would probably be a good thing for you right now (especially coming from yourself), simply choose one small task this week that must be done anyway—nothing additional—and ask yourself how you could do it with excellence. And experience the satisfaction that comes with your own excellence.
  

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Yesterday, I was looking at information related to my industry online. As I did, I happened on some data in an area I’ve consulted in, although not for some time. It caught my attention, and I thought to myself, “I can do that.” And for two minutes, I thought about re-connecting with that area and bringing it back into my work with clients. And then I thought, “Wait. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

We live in the age of “can.” We have more resources, tools, access to information and options than at any time in history. We have so many more “can’s” than ever before. And this is a privilege. And…on another level, a burden. Wading through the sea of “can’s” to focus on what’s truly important, what will truly serve us and what we are working to accomplish (whether starting a new business, healing a damaged relationship, or just getting a good night’s sleep) is a challenge.

Because of access to education, transportation, opportunity, etc., I have expertise in that particular area I considered for two minutes. It’s true, I can do it. Yet—is that a good enough reason to do something? In the past, maybe, as there weren’t a lot of “can’s” available to people. Today—absolutely not.

We have to be so discerning about our choices—how we spend our time, what we choose to put into our bodies, what we choose to put into our minds. There is so much that we “can” do—so many options, many of them good, that it’s easy to lose track of the best one(s) for us.

As you embark on a new week, consider this:

1. Know that there will be many options presented to you this week
   
2. Ask yourself what is really important for you to focus on/accomplish this week (this month/this year)- REALLY important- one to three items
   
3. As choices and options arise, look at them in light of your commitments, and decide accordingly
   

In my case, my commitment, and what’s critical from a professional perspective, is to focus on my core business. So, after two minutes of considering “can,” I remembered that just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. And it became very easy to let that item go.

Whether your focus is professional or personal, give yourself a chance to move beyond the “can’s” this week, and move on what’s truly important to you.