Think About What You're Thinking About

“Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

                                                 -  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Any change or improvement we’re seeking to make in our lives is ultimately geared toward the last word in this quote: we are seeking to impact our destiny in some way (remember the ripple effect: any change, even any small change, will change our ultimate outcome). Two of my recent blog entries have dealt with the second and third key words in this quote: taking some kind of action that, when done consistently, develops into a habit.

It Starts With Your Thoughts

What I haven’t written about is the first key word: thought. Thoughts are the source. According to Emerson, there is a through-line from our thoughts to our destiny. Barring various unforeseen events and external factors, psychology (and a lot of Olympic athletes) would say that, in many ways, Emerson is right on the mark. Our thoughts influence our destiny.

What are your thoughts focused on? What are you thinking about? Are you thinking about your goals? Or are you thinking about the barriers to your goals? Thinking about your goals and thinking positively about them drums up the inspiration to start taking action. Continued focus on those goals gives you the motivation to continue the action so it grows into a habit. When we persist in our habits, they take root in our lives and influence the outcomes we experience, including the ultimate outcome, our destiny.

This week, think about what you're thinking about. 

It’s February. Do You Know Where Your New Year’s Resolutions Are?—Six Steps to Get on Track and Stay on Track

This is the time of year we start focusing on our taxes, making arrangements around summer plans, and trying to remember when we’re supposed to set our clocks forward.  And while these things can be a hassle, they’re a welcome alternative to that thing we really don’t want to focus on, the elephant in the living room: our New Year’s Resolutions. You know—those ones we made on January 1^st and blew on the 3^rd and dropped altogether on the 5^th?

Studies show that many people stumble early and that by this time in February, around 80% have given up their resolutions.

Here’s the thing about New Year’s Resolutions: people + change = difficulty. As adults, we get in our habitual mode of operations, and change is hard. Add the fact that people typically make New Year’s Resolutions around things they are fed up with and that have become emotionally charged (“Something’s really wrong with me if I can’t get it together and just lose 5 pounds / eat something green once in awhile / find two matching socks…”), and the problem becomes compounded. Because on January 3^rd, when we blow it (“See! I knew I couldn’t do it! I was late to another appointment, as usual!”), we go to the extreme and use it against ourselves: that one slip becomes proof that we are doomed to failure. And we give up. Oh, the drama.

Six steps to get back on track and stay there:

STEP ONE: ONLY CHANGE ONE THING—you’re busy, and choosing to change several things may work fine today when you’re motivated and thinking about it, but in three days when the dry cleaning needs to be picked up and the dog taken to the vet and your neighbor’s car breaks down and he needs a ride, etc., who’s going to have the time or focus to change things? So choose one thing, and choose well: choose something that’s giving you a significant amount of pain. The greater the pain you’re currently experiencing, the stronger leverage you have on yourself to actually change.

STEP TWO: FOCUS ON THE GOAL AND THE BENEFITS—remember that there is a reason you want to change this habit! There is pain associated with the bad habit, and there are benefits awaiting you for changing it! Think about those benefits (i.e. every way that life will be different with the new habit), visualize it, and consider how great it will feel. Give yourself reminders of this desired end state—e.g. a picture, an inspiring quote, a list of benefits etc., tacked up on the wall.

STEP THREE: ONE AREA + ONE ACTION + SCHEDULE THE ACTION = SUCCESS—say you’ve chosen one area (e.g. organization), and ONE small and specific action (go through mail once only), now schedule it (every day when I pick up the mail I will go through it while sitting next to my files, shredder and waste-basket).

STEP FOUR: PLAN A REWARD—once you’ve planned your action (e.g. going through mail once only and on a regular basis), plan a reward! For every day and then every week of success, give yourself a reward (e.g. a favorite meal, a movie, an extra 30 minutes to read a book you’re engrossed in…).

STEP FIVE: WHEN YOU STUMBLE, LET IT GO—the fact is, it’s very possible that you’ll have a little stumble or two. So decide now that if/when that happens, you’ll take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and take a lesson from Scarlett O’Hara and say to yourself, “Tomorrow is another day.” And then tomorrow have another go at it. This is not an excuse to succumb. This is the answer to the paralysis of all-or-nothing perfectionism. Get over it and get on with it.

STEP SIX: CREATE ACCOUNTABILITY—knowing you have to “report in” will help you follow through on days you’re really dragging your feet. Ask a trusted friend to be your confidante and confessor. Also, plan to write down your progress at the end of every day on your calendar or in a planner or notebook.

Even if you stumble, that doesn’t mean you have to fall. When it comes to compromised New Year’s Resolutions, forgive yourself, re-calibrate, and use this six-step plan to support your success. The point isn’t wholesale change, the point is A change! For adults, one tiny shift in habits is a big deal and equals success.

Finally, it so happens that on the Chinese calendar, February 14^th is New Year’s Day this year. So according to the Chinese, if you struggled with your resolutions in the last six weeks, you’re off the hook and good to go to start the New Year off right--NOW!

In this case, I say go with the Chinese.

And go get ‘em.

Every Day is Valentine's Day- In a Good Way

February 14th. Every year, I am amazed at what this day inspires in us. Although, “inspires” may be the wrong word. Because as I talk to people, I find that in many cases it brings up frustration, dejection, and unhappiness—not very inspiring. It seems that whether you’re in a relationship or not, Valentine’s Day can be—a challenge.

I have friends who are married and others in committed relationships that dread this day each year. One couple I know has found that, 10 years and two children later, they’ve never had a “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Not even while dating, not even in “the honeymoon phase.” They say that every year, their expectations and their actual experience in no way match up: invariably one of the kids gets sick, the car breaks down, the roof springs a leak, dinner reservations get mixed up and there are no open reservations, etc. Then there are the relationship factors: I was hoping we would go to such-and-such place or do such-and-such thing; I thought I would receive such-and-such gift; I thought he would know that this day is special; I thought she would know that this day is no big deal—just an over-hyped excuse for the florists, chocolatiers, jewelers and restaurateurs to make a lot of money. Mixed expectations turn into frustration, and Valentine’s Day becomes a letdown.

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day can feel like a day of rejection—there’s a club that everyone but you belongs to. The only requirement for club membership is a relationship (i.e. proof that one is loved in America). And you don’t meet the requirement. For the first two weeks of February, there is no escaping the attempts by the makers of all things delicious and sparkling and fragrant to sell what they have to offer. Everywhere you turn is some type of ad showing up or sounding off along the road, in your home, in your car saying, “Valentine’s Day is not for you.”

If this sounds bad so far, consider the male office worker in Japan. February 14 is the day female workers give chocolates to male coworkers. On March 14, the men return the favor. For men, it’s all about what happens on February 14—for men at the office who receive neither high quantity nor quality of chocolates, there is great embarrassment and loss of face, as this is a sign of low popularity. Men go to lengths to hide this “failure.”

Considering the challenges and ensuing frustration that can be associated with this day, I suggest a shift—involving three ways to redefine Valentine’s Day (what, when, who):

Redefine the “What”: Valentines Day is For Everyone

I’m not a big fan of succumbing to “being at the mercy” of—whatever (in this case, what the advertisers and “custom” dictate). Here’s your shift: rather than control, define. While it’s true you may not get to control a thing, it’s also true that you do get to choose how you define a thing. How we choose to define things can make all the difference, and in this vein, I propose a lesson from the Finns. In Finland, rather than a day devoted to idealized romantic love, Valentine’s Day is focused primarily on friendship, with everyone celebrating the bonds of friendships/relationships. As a result, the day is inclusive of everyone—a celebration of the connectedness of humanity and the affirmation of any and all relationships that we have. Remember that all affection and love is powerful! So love whom you love and embrace the day—it’s for you! And as you embrace it and don’t shrink from it, it’s less likely to shrink from you. What you plant, and nurture, grows. As you open your heart and embrace friendship and love in an inclusive way (rather than resign yourself to Valentine’s Day belonging to other people- those with better romantic partnerships or those with romantic partnerships, period), who knows what you may be opening yourself to in the future?

Redefine the “When”: Every Day is Valentine’s Day

Once we’ve broadened our definition of Valentine’s Day to include, on an equal level, all forms and levels of friendship and love, then we get to choose when to embrace those relationships. I propose we do that every day. While Valentine’s Day is a good reminder to celebrate, I invite us to celebrate on a regular basis. The affirmation of loving relationships is important in so many ways. For starters, it can literally improve our physical health, and theirs as well! Why pour all of this into one day? The more often we affirm and celebrate these relationships, the better. Here are three ways:

• Reach Out: Reach out to friends and loved ones on a regular basis: a call a week, a note a week, a get-together each week. Plan to do these things, or in the course of the busy-ness of life, they likely won’t happen.
  
• Express Appreciation: Get in the habit of finding opportunities to express your appreciation—verbally or in writing.
  
• Give Gifts: Give small gifts when they’re not expected. This doesn’t have to be expensive. Know what people like, and customize the gift to them (tear out an article they’d enjoy, offer to do an errand or a chore “just because,” pick up an extra carton of strawberries at the store, because you know they love them.)
  

Redefine the “Who”: Be Your Own Valentine

It’s hard to love others with freedom if we don’t love ourselves. “Of course I love myself,” you say. Okay, let’s look at that love. I challenge you to look at your actions. Do you actively love yourself? Here are some ideas you can use to answer that question—they also double as tips, in case you find yourself dissatisfied with what you find!

• Forgive Yourself—for not being as disciplined as you wanted to be yesterday, for not holding your temper better in that conversation, for not finishing that project when you planned. Forgiving yourself is not about excuses and continuing behavior that doesn’t serve. It’s about letting go so you can move forward productively rather than dragging yourself down (and holding yourself back) with guilt.
  
• Take Care of Yourself—and only you know what that means: getting more sleep, speaking up for yourself more, removing yourself from a “toxic” friendship, doing something you enjoy (a meal with a friend, a walk by yourself, a game of tennis, a book you read for fun), taking a break.
  
• Listen to Yourself—in two ways: 1) What is the thing you know deep down that you’re not letting yourself know, consciously? Something that will help you understand a situation better, and take action you need to take, and/or 2) What is a goal or dream you know is inside that you haven’t given voice to?
  
• Invest in Yourself—what is the thing you need, in order to not just exist, but to grow and thrive: Exercise more? Eat better? Take a class? Read a book?
  
• Like Yourself—this may sound obvious. It’s not. We all have our wins and losses. Most of us focus on our losses and, as a result, get down on ourselves. As we’ve already said, you get to choose how you define things and what you focus on. So why not focus on your wins? And why not focus on the important things you’re learning from your losses, and the ways you’re growing, as a result? As you like yourself more, and love yourself more, you become more likable and lovable to others. And this only creates more of Valentine’s Day every day for you…in a good way.
  

This Valentine’s Day, remember that it's for everyone, it’s for every day of the year, and it just may start with YOU. Use the tips and actions listed here, or use them as a starting point to develop some of your own. The point is this: connection and love are powerful, and they belong to you. Embrace this day and, rather than running from it for any reason, invite more of it into your life. Be active about your love for yourself and your love for others. And not just on one day, but every day. And watch what happens.

Reach Out

It’s really not important.

I’m sure they’re too busy.

I don’t want to bother them.

I visited my hometown this past weekend, joining my sisters at a poetry reading on Saturday afternoon. As I left town on Sunday, I decided to drive by the house we grew up in, just to have a look. As I drove down our old street, I saw a couple and a child taking a walk—we had met the couple the day before at the reading (where we’d found that they now live in the house next to the one we grew up in!). As I passed them, I thought of turning around to say hello and to tell them what a pleasure it had been meeting and talking with them. My next three thoughts were the three statements listed above. Fortunately, the next thought after those was: Turn around and tell them.

I turned the car around and pulled over. We greeted one another, I met their daughter, and they invited me in. The result was a wonderful sense of connectedness.

The unique inventions and developments of our time have created, along with amazing opportunities, experiences that bear looking at:

• unprecedented self-sufficiency
  
• technology-driven isolation (yes, even with social networking)
  
• schedules that don’t allow margin for serendipitous connection
  

Whether extroverts or introverts, we are, first, human. And human connection is central to our makeup. Study after study has shown that our happiness, our health, our very survival depend on it. Studies also show that, in our society, isolation and loneliness are on the rise.

To do:

• Reach out to a good friend at least once a week- just to say “hello” (rather than stopping because, “It’s really not important”—it is important)
  
• When you’re feeling down—pick up the phone! Talk with a trusted friend (rather than hesitating because, “I’m sure they’re too busy”—a trusted friend finds or makes the time)
  
• Look for opportunities to connect with people around you on a regular basis—say hello to the person in the elevator, introduce yourself to someone at the event, etc. (rather than thinking, “I don’t want to bother them”—what’s bothersome? Creating connection, even a little one, is heartening to others and builds a critical sense of community)
  

With so much in our world conspiring to keep us from one another, take the initiative to go the other direction. Reach out.