Every Day is Valentine's Day- In a Good Way

February 14th. Every year, I am amazed at what this day inspires in us. Although, “inspires” may be the wrong word. Because as I talk to people, I find that in many cases it brings up frustration, dejection, and unhappiness—not very inspiring. It seems that whether you’re in a relationship or not, Valentine’s Day can be—a challenge.

I have friends who are married and others in committed relationships that dread this day each year. One couple I know has found that, 10 years and two children later, they’ve never had a “Happy Valentine’s Day.” Not even while dating, not even in “the honeymoon phase.” They say that every year, their expectations and their actual experience in no way match up: invariably one of the kids gets sick, the car breaks down, the roof springs a leak, dinner reservations get mixed up and there are no open reservations, etc. Then there are the relationship factors: I was hoping we would go to such-and-such place or do such-and-such thing; I thought I would receive such-and-such gift; I thought he would know that this day is special; I thought she would know that this day is no big deal—just an over-hyped excuse for the florists, chocolatiers, jewelers and restaurateurs to make a lot of money. Mixed expectations turn into frustration, and Valentine’s Day becomes a letdown.

If you’re single, Valentine’s Day can feel like a day of rejection—there’s a club that everyone but you belongs to. The only requirement for club membership is a relationship (i.e. proof that one is loved in America). And you don’t meet the requirement. For the first two weeks of February, there is no escaping the attempts by the makers of all things delicious and sparkling and fragrant to sell what they have to offer. Everywhere you turn is some type of ad showing up or sounding off along the road, in your home, in your car saying, “Valentine’s Day is not for you.”

If this sounds bad so far, consider the male office worker in Japan. February 14 is the day female workers give chocolates to male coworkers. On March 14, the men return the favor. For men, it’s all about what happens on February 14—for men at the office who receive neither high quantity nor quality of chocolates, there is great embarrassment and loss of face, as this is a sign of low popularity. Men go to lengths to hide this “failure.”

Considering the challenges and ensuing frustration that can be associated with this day, I suggest a shift—involving three ways to redefine Valentine’s Day (what, when, who):

Redefine the “What”: Valentines Day is For Everyone

I’m not a big fan of succumbing to “being at the mercy” of—whatever (in this case, what the advertisers and “custom” dictate). Here’s your shift: rather than control, define. While it’s true you may not get to control a thing, it’s also true that you do get to choose how you define a thing. How we choose to define things can make all the difference, and in this vein, I propose a lesson from the Finns. In Finland, rather than a day devoted to idealized romantic love, Valentine’s Day is focused primarily on friendship, with everyone celebrating the bonds of friendships/relationships. As a result, the day is inclusive of everyone—a celebration of the connectedness of humanity and the affirmation of any and all relationships that we have. Remember that all affection and love is powerful! So love whom you love and embrace the day—it’s for you! And as you embrace it and don’t shrink from it, it’s less likely to shrink from you. What you plant, and nurture, grows. As you open your heart and embrace friendship and love in an inclusive way (rather than resign yourself to Valentine’s Day belonging to other people- those with better romantic partnerships or those with romantic partnerships, period), who knows what you may be opening yourself to in the future?

Redefine the “When”: Every Day is Valentine’s Day

Once we’ve broadened our definition of Valentine’s Day to include, on an equal level, all forms and levels of friendship and love, then we get to choose when to embrace those relationships. I propose we do that every day. While Valentine’s Day is a good reminder to celebrate, I invite us to celebrate on a regular basis. The affirmation of loving relationships is important in so many ways. For starters, it can literally improve our physical health, and theirs as well! Why pour all of this into one day? The more often we affirm and celebrate these relationships, the better. Here are three ways:

• Reach Out: Reach out to friends and loved ones on a regular basis: a call a week, a note a week, a get-together each week. Plan to do these things, or in the course of the busy-ness of life, they likely won’t happen.
  
• Express Appreciation: Get in the habit of finding opportunities to express your appreciation—verbally or in writing.
  
• Give Gifts: Give small gifts when they’re not expected. This doesn’t have to be expensive. Know what people like, and customize the gift to them (tear out an article they’d enjoy, offer to do an errand or a chore “just because,” pick up an extra carton of strawberries at the store, because you know they love them.)
  

Redefine the “Who”: Be Your Own Valentine

It’s hard to love others with freedom if we don’t love ourselves. “Of course I love myself,” you say. Okay, let’s look at that love. I challenge you to look at your actions. Do you actively love yourself? Here are some ideas you can use to answer that question—they also double as tips, in case you find yourself dissatisfied with what you find!

• Forgive Yourself—for not being as disciplined as you wanted to be yesterday, for not holding your temper better in that conversation, for not finishing that project when you planned. Forgiving yourself is not about excuses and continuing behavior that doesn’t serve. It’s about letting go so you can move forward productively rather than dragging yourself down (and holding yourself back) with guilt.
  
• Take Care of Yourself—and only you know what that means: getting more sleep, speaking up for yourself more, removing yourself from a “toxic” friendship, doing something you enjoy (a meal with a friend, a walk by yourself, a game of tennis, a book you read for fun), taking a break.
  
• Listen to Yourself—in two ways: 1) What is the thing you know deep down that you’re not letting yourself know, consciously? Something that will help you understand a situation better, and take action you need to take, and/or 2) What is a goal or dream you know is inside that you haven’t given voice to?
  
• Invest in Yourself—what is the thing you need, in order to not just exist, but to grow and thrive: Exercise more? Eat better? Take a class? Read a book?
  
• Like Yourself—this may sound obvious. It’s not. We all have our wins and losses. Most of us focus on our losses and, as a result, get down on ourselves. As we’ve already said, you get to choose how you define things and what you focus on. So why not focus on your wins? And why not focus on the important things you’re learning from your losses, and the ways you’re growing, as a result? As you like yourself more, and love yourself more, you become more likable and lovable to others. And this only creates more of Valentine’s Day every day for you…in a good way.
  

This Valentine’s Day, remember that it's for everyone, it’s for every day of the year, and it just may start with YOU. Use the tips and actions listed here, or use them as a starting point to develop some of your own. The point is this: connection and love are powerful, and they belong to you. Embrace this day and, rather than running from it for any reason, invite more of it into your life. Be active about your love for yourself and your love for others. And not just on one day, but every day. And watch what happens.