Recognizing the Truth About “Perfect”

I was coaching a client last week on a presentation he’s putting together. Part of the way through the presentation, he paused, and paused, and paused—lengthy. Unusually lengthy. When he started speaking again, a rather remarkable thing happened:

He went on with the presentation:

• No “uh,” “um,” “let’s see,” “okay,” “sorry”
  
• Simply great poise and presence—solid eye contact, strong volume and intonation, effective use of body language and visuals, etc.
  

And as a result, I went with him. I believed him, I trusted him. I knew he’d had an unusually long pause, and I didn’t know why, but it didn’t seem to bother him, so it didn’t bother me.

Whatever the reason for the pause—the mind goes blank, or lack of decisiveness about where to go next—most people look very flustered, and begin to falter and use the typical filler words listed above. In other words, most people are bothered by their blanking out, and they show it. And as a result, their credibility goes down in the eyes of others.

This client had done something really good—he handled the hiccup, the imperfection, with grace, and then went on to do everything else wonderfully. Interestingly, he didn’t recognize this. When he finished his presentation, he sat down and began berating himself. How he’d blown it. And I was able to honestly tell him that, while his long pause was unusual, it did not detract. Because he didn’t let it.

He’d wanted to be perfect. And I shared with him a secret about perfectionism. Since no one, NO ONE, is perfect, here’s the truth about “perfect”:

It’s not about being perfect. It’s about how you handle your imperfections.

And if you handle them with grace, you’ll win the day. He did. Your imperfections won’t stand in your way, and the way you handle them (with grace), and the way you handle all of the other marvelous things you do, will carry the day, and you along with it.

This week, for you perfectionists, forget perfect. Take a deep breath, handle your imperfections with grace (certainly minimize them to the extent you can, especially if they are an impingement on others, but don’t go crazy—there are other things for you to focus on), and get about the business of doing what you do best and doing lots of it and reaping the rewards as you do.

Keeping Your Cool by Recognizing What’s Really Going On

“I can’t believe my coworker just dumped this project on me.”

“I can’t believe she left all the dishes for me to do.”

“I can’t believe that guy just cut me off.”

We go through situations every day that challenge us to keep our cool. And more often than not, those situations involve other people. People with whom you live, work, share the road. People do things that annoy us, hurt us, violate our trust.

And the result is typically not good: raised voices, inner seething, road rage. The first can damage relationships, the second can damage your health, and the third can be downright dangerous.

Here’s a quick way to avoid all of this: recognize what’s really going on. And what’s really going on, very often, is this: someone needs more information. Either you need more information about why they did what they did, or they need more information to understand how their actions impacted you, or both.

Before we go further, please note:

• If you’re dealing with a crazy person, this doesn’t apply. Steer clear of crazy people.
  
• If you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t care about you at any level, this doesn’t apply. Steer clear of people who don’t care about you.
  
• If we’re talking about the guy who cuts you off on the road, this applies, just a little differently than with the people at home or work. See the end of this blog entry.
  

If you’re dealing with someone who’s fairly reasonable with whom you have some sort of relationship, at home or at work, and you clash on something, before raising your voice or going into inner seething mode, consider this: do I have all of the information? Do they?

For example:

Perhaps your coworker leaves a project 100% to you. This makes you mad—how dare they dump all of this work on you? You’re ready to tell them off.

Not so fast.

What could be going on?

Well, it could be that:

• They think it’s your domain or
  
• Their boss told them to or
  
• They were preoccupied with something else and forgot to tell you why or
  
• You’re better at it than they are and they assumed you would rather do it yourself or
  
• They think you’ll like the ownership because you’ll also receive the accolades at the end or
  
• They’re frustrated because they feel like you dump work on them too and haven’t had the guts to express their frustration so now they’re taking it out on you indirectly or…
  

Who KNOWS what they think? You don’t. You may think you do, but you don’t.

And those are only a few possibilities around the information you don’t have.

What about the information they don’t have? Regarding what you think of this, how it affects you, what you would prefer, your creative ideas for doing things differently….

The lesson here is, don’t stress yourself out with an argument or stuffing your feelings of anger. Rather, recognize that there’s probably a need for more information on one or both sides. Initiate a non-judgmental and exploratory discussion to exchange information, and then make a plan for moving forward. This way, you keep the relationship healthy, and yourself healthy in the process.

Finally, about the person who cuts you off on the road: no, I don’t see you initiating a discussion with them. What I do recommend is that you remind yourself of this principle of “you probably don’t have all of the information,” and tell yourself a story to stop yourself from going into road rage and doing something you’ll regret. My favorite story I tell myself is, “I’m going to have to believe that someone in that car is pregnant and going into labor.” Then how can I get mad? I just hope they get to the hospital in time and in one piece.

Sticking To It by Clarifying Your Vision

Worthy goals are often not easy ones. To accomplish something truly worthy of your effort, there are typically several requirements, like studying or training, careful planning, and just plain sticking to it. That last one may seem straightforward, but depending on the circumstances, it may not be.

Florence Chadwick was the first woman to swim the English Channel both ways. On August 8, 1950, she swam the 21 miles across the English Channel in 13 hours and 20 minutes, breaking the world record. A year later she did it again, this time in the other direction, becoming the first woman to accomplish the feat both ways, and leaving an even bigger imprint on world history.

A native of San Diego, she next turned her sights toward setting a record closer to home: to be the first woman to swim the 26 miles from Catalina Island to the California coastline. After 15 hours of swimming, a marine layer developed, and she could no longer see the coastline for the fog. She didn’t think she could make it, and said as much to her mother, who was in one of the boats traveling along with her. She kept at it for another hour and then, still not able to see the coastline, ended her effort and got into the boat. And once in the boat, she discovered she’d only had a mile to go.

Accomplishments like Florence Chadwick’s don’t happen without training faithfully, planning carefully, and sticking to it. The first two are without variables—you are in control of your training and your planning. The third is a little more dicey. Yes, you’ll need to stick with it, but—through what? Florence Chadwick had no way of knowing a marine layer would set in. Perhaps her coach could have helped her anticipate it as a possibility and to prepare her to persevere through it. But—what other variables might pop up? We can’t always anticipate everything. So the question is—how clear is your vision of your coastline? If it’s fixed not just in your eyes but also in your mind, you’re more likely to be able to stick with it and persevere when the fog sets in and unanticipated challenges arise.

After that failed effort in 1952, Chadwick wasn’t finished. Two months later, she tried again. The marine layer set in once again, and the fog erased her view of the coastline. She persevered through the fog, and accomplished her goal. Later, she reported that the difference between her failed attempt and her victory was her clarity of vision—she kept a mental image of the coastline in her mind.

This week, think about something you’ve wanted to accomplish, but haven’t. It may be a training issue or a planning issue. Or it may be a “sticking to it” issue, as you’ve been waylaid by some kind of fog. If so, revisit the vision of your coastline, be sure it’s clear, and do what you need to do to truly fix it in your mind. When you do, take a deep breath and notice what shifts, what additional clarity you receive, and what energy emerges to propel you forward.

Reinstating the Golden Rule

Traveling on business with clients last week, I got into conversation with a waiter in Providence, Rhode Island. Somehow we got to talking about philosophy of work, and he said that his favorite customers are the tough ones. That he takes it as a personal and welcome challenge to figure out something that will cause them to marvel to themselves that they have nothing to complain about.

He told me about one couple that loves thousand island dressing on their salad. The restaurant doesn’t serve thousand island, but the waiter, Paul, makes it for them when they come in. He told me a couple of other similar stories involving oysters rockefeller and pizaola, and what fun it is to surprise customers by going the extra mile and really getting them what they want. And, he added, he notices that they return. Again and again. Not a bad marketing plan. He went on to recount a conversation he’d had with a chef. Paul asked for a particular preparation of a dish, at the request of a customer. The chef said, “That’s not the way I make it.” And Paul said, “But that’s the way they want it.” It’s a question of where the focus is. “It’s not hard,” Paul told me. “You just put yourself in their shoes, and ask yourself, ‘If I’m going out, what would I want?’”

Sounds like something I don’t hear people talk about much: the golden rule.

Now, a couple of things to keep in mind:

• Paul didn’t have his head in the clouds. He did say that if the people that like the special salad dressing come in at a very busy hour, and he’s not able to step aside and make the dressing, it doesn’t happen that night
  
• Being a food lover, I appreciate a chef who knows great ingredients and combinations better than I do and steers me away from substitutions I request that he or she knows won’t work
  

So the point here isn’t turning oneself inappropriately into Gumby, and doing things that don’t make sense. The point is to consider where your focus is. In business and in life, the golden rule, putting oneself into another’s shoes and thinking about what they would like, is “the golden rule” for a reason: It’s a wonderful way to strengthen relationships, a powerful way to build business, and because people don’t tend to expect it—it’s just plain fun to surprise them.