Keeping Your Cool by Recognizing What’s Really Going On

“I can’t believe my coworker just dumped this project on me.”

“I can’t believe she left all the dishes for me to do.”

“I can’t believe that guy just cut me off.”

We go through situations every day that challenge us to keep our cool. And more often than not, those situations involve other people. People with whom you live, work, share the road. People do things that annoy us, hurt us, violate our trust.

And the result is typically not good: raised voices, inner seething, road rage. The first can damage relationships, the second can damage your health, and the third can be downright dangerous.

Here’s a quick way to avoid all of this: recognize what’s really going on. And what’s really going on, very often, is this: someone needs more information. Either you need more information about why they did what they did, or they need more information to understand how their actions impacted you, or both.

Before we go further, please note:

• If you’re dealing with a crazy person, this doesn’t apply. Steer clear of crazy people.
  
• If you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t care about you at any level, this doesn’t apply. Steer clear of people who don’t care about you.
  
• If we’re talking about the guy who cuts you off on the road, this applies, just a little differently than with the people at home or work. See the end of this blog entry.
  

If you’re dealing with someone who’s fairly reasonable with whom you have some sort of relationship, at home or at work, and you clash on something, before raising your voice or going into inner seething mode, consider this: do I have all of the information? Do they?

For example:

Perhaps your coworker leaves a project 100% to you. This makes you mad—how dare they dump all of this work on you? You’re ready to tell them off.

Not so fast.

What could be going on?

Well, it could be that:

• They think it’s your domain or
  
• Their boss told them to or
  
• They were preoccupied with something else and forgot to tell you why or
  
• You’re better at it than they are and they assumed you would rather do it yourself or
  
• They think you’ll like the ownership because you’ll also receive the accolades at the end or
  
• They’re frustrated because they feel like you dump work on them too and haven’t had the guts to express their frustration so now they’re taking it out on you indirectly or…
  

Who KNOWS what they think? You don’t. You may think you do, but you don’t.

And those are only a few possibilities around the information you don’t have.

What about the information they don’t have? Regarding what you think of this, how it affects you, what you would prefer, your creative ideas for doing things differently….

The lesson here is, don’t stress yourself out with an argument or stuffing your feelings of anger. Rather, recognize that there’s probably a need for more information on one or both sides. Initiate a non-judgmental and exploratory discussion to exchange information, and then make a plan for moving forward. This way, you keep the relationship healthy, and yourself healthy in the process.

Finally, about the person who cuts you off on the road: no, I don’t see you initiating a discussion with them. What I do recommend is that you remind yourself of this principle of “you probably don’t have all of the information,” and tell yourself a story to stop yourself from going into road rage and doing something you’ll regret. My favorite story I tell myself is, “I’m going to have to believe that someone in that car is pregnant and going into labor.” Then how can I get mad? I just hope they get to the hospital in time and in one piece.