Saying What You Need to Say, Productively

I spent time with my niece and nephew this weekend, and it was great hearing them explore and experiment with language. “What’s ‘tedious’?” my 9-year-old nephew asked, after hearing SpongeBob use the term with one of his aquatic buddies. Good for him for not just watching, but exercising his curiosity. The exploration of language went beyond vocabulary, into phraseology and real expression: “That is not helping my situation,” my 7-year-old niece said at one point (she and her brother were in an argument, she needed some adult assistance and sought it. Advice was given. She didn't like it. Clearly). The phrasing was so precise, and delivered with such aplomb, it seemed incongruous coming from a 7-year old. I had to fight the temptation to laugh. This was serious business (which got taken care of).

What do words mean? What do phrases convey? And based on that, the real question is, “How do I say what I need to say?” Figuring out how to express yourself when there is something sensitive on the table is a big deal. Given the dynamics of relationships and the important issues that may be at stake, the complexities are very real. I see my clients struggle with this, and a lot of our work together is around the principles that underlie productive communication. Principles that can be used in talking with anyone at work, at home, in life.

My niece chose her words extremely well. She followed, unknowingly, one of the key principles: Don’t mix emotion in with information. Her words were clearly meant to inform, and nothing else. She could have said, “That will never work,” “You’ve got to be kidding,” “I’d like to see you try that,” or any one of a number of common phrases. Yet, notice that these three phrases not only inform, they also include an element of emotion. And they often result in the listener inferring a secondary goal, beyond informing—a goal of accusation or shame:

• “That will never work”- the use of the word “never” can be taken as a global judgment by the listener. Rather than something like “I don’t believe that will work in this situation, and here’s why,” which focuses on informing, the use of the word “never” can elevate the comment to sound like, “That’s a ridiculous suggestion, in and of itself. It would never work in any situation. You are clearly a person who comes up with ridiculous suggestions.” Sound extreme? Maybe. It’s possible the person may not take it this way. But if they are keyed up in any way, if they are even the slightest bit defensive, they will.
  
• “You've got to be kidding” and “I’d like to see you try that” convey information plus sarcasm. So they inform, and they also jab, conveying that the suggestion is ridiculous. This isn’t useful to you, since it will almost certainly cause your listener to go on the defensive.
  

If you really want to solve problems and move forward, examine how you express yourself to other people. And take a lesson from my niece—inform, don’t accuse, shame, or jab.

On a final note, all of this is not to say that we shouldn’t express emotion. It’s important to do so. It’s simply that it will be more productive, and serve you better, to also express your emotions in an informing way, rather than a jabbing or shaming way. “I am extremely frustrated about this. And I appreciate your suggestion—I don’t believe it will work in this situation, and here’s why” will get you what you need far more than, “I’d like to see YOU try that.”