Giving the Reason, Saving the Day

In the absence of information, people make things up.

This bears repeating: in the absence of information, people make things up.

And here’s the kicker—the things people make up are, as a rule, bad.

This is a principle we see played out over and over again with public figures in sports, politics, and entertainment. You know the drill—scandal + public figure declines comment + public and media are left to conjecture the worst.

While this is common with public figures, it’s equally common in all our lives. Common, and destructive.

So let’s look closer.

When this happens in our own lives, when we inadvertently, perhaps, create an “absence of information,” this absent information typically takes the form of one thing: the reason.

For example: “I need some time by myself.”

• Translation in their mind: “He/she is sick of me.”
• What you actually mean is, “We’ve been to a lot of parties recently and it’s been really fun. And, I’m an introvert and I realize I’m feeling drained and the best way for me to refuel is to have a little time to myself. What I have in mind is a relaxed walk in the local botanical gardens. Then I’m looking forward to our dinner tonight.” This statement includes the reason you need time by yourself. Now there’s no question what the reason is. They don’t have to make information up. But you don’t say any of that. You simply say, “I need some time by myself.” And now, they have to make something up. And, of course that something is bad.
• The result: miscommunication, hurt, anger…bad stuff.
  
• The remedy: state the reason in the first place.
  

Or: “I’m going along with you to your client meeting.”

• Translation in their mind: “He/she thinks I’m completely blowing my meetings.”
• What you actually mean is, “I’ve been pulled into special projects and completely buried over the last few weeks. Yet as your manager, I owe it to you to provide support and help you create as many wins as possible. I’ve been putting thought into the best ways I can do this for you, and I propose that I join you on a few of your key meetings. I can assist during the meetings, if needed, and if I’m not needed, great. I can simply observe and give you some feedback afterward on how to make your already successful meetings even more successful.” But you don’t say any of this. You don’t give the reason. You simply say, “I'm going along with you to your client meeting.” And the other person is left to make stuff up. Bad stuff.
• The result: miscommunication, eroded trust, dissatisfaction with boss and therefore with job.
  
• The remedy: state the reason in the fist place.
  

This week, think about the messages you need to communicate with people. And be sure to include the reason.