Asking for Feedback

None of us are perfect, and none of us have a complete picture of ourselves. Maybe that’s by design. We are social beings, and perhaps it’s a good thing that for any one of us to reach our highest level of potential, we must get feedback from other people. The question is—do we?

If you work in an organization that has a healthy performance management system and 360 degree feedback process, chances are that you do receive feedback. If you don’t (and even if you do—because that feedback only addresses your professional competence—how about your success in your personal life?), you must seek it out.

If you’re thinking that asking for feedback shows weakness, think again. Research shows that people who ask for feedback on a consistent basis (non constant, but consistent) are viewed favorably in professional situations. This can translate into personal situations as well. This is because of the message it sends: I’m confident enough about what I’m doing to ask for feedback, and I’m not about covering myself, I’m about growing to higher levels of performance and contribution.

How to ask for feedback:

• Consider what you would like feedback on
• Identify who you would like to ask for feedback
  
• Tell them that you would like their feedback, explain why you’ve identified them, be clear about your goals for the feedback process, and lay out specifically what you would like feedback on
  
• Give them time to think about and prepare their feedback
  

When receiving the feedback:

• Listen and don’t interrupt
  
• Ask questions to clarify their meaning
  
• Don’t argue- if you do, that’s the last time you’ll get feedback from this person. Not to mention you’ll compromise the relationship by invalidating their perspective and disrespecting the effort they’ve gone to in providing you feedback
  
• Thank them for their effort and honesty
  

If you disagree with the feedback:

• If possible, let it go. Arguing won’t help you
  
• If the feedback indicates a need for you to clear something up, be very careful in how you proceed—this is delicate stuff. Thank them, and let them know that you realize you have light to shed on your actions or intentions, and ask their permission to proceed and explain yourself. They will not say “no” to this courteous approach, and it will likely not come across as a defensive argument
  

The best way to go into these feedback sessions it to picture yourself as a combination professional athlete/detective. The pro athlete isn’t coming and asking for feedback with their tail between their legs. They know they’re good, and are wide open to getting better. They know that feedback is their way to winning the championship. The detective looks for clues and information—and is happy when they uncover something—it gets them closer to achieving their goal. For the detective, the goal is to solve the case. For us, it’s to improve our performance and to reach our highest level. And any information that will help us do that is helpful.

This week, think about where your next level of excellence is. Identify who could give you helpful and honest feedback about where you are now that may affect where you want to go next. Use the principles for asking and receiving feedback. And see what you can find that will propel you toward your next level!

Understanding How Your Brain Works

Many friends of mine, upon becoming parents, have commented on the challenges and the complexities, and the dangers of getting parenting all wrong. Essentially, they seem to all agree that anyone moving into parenthood should have to take a class and pass a certification. “We have to study and pass multiple tests for the privilege of driving a car. Seems like we should have to do at least that for the privilege of raising a child.”

Makes sense.

Driving a car: serious.

Raising a child: serious.

And how about—living and being in the world: also serious.

Because living and being in the world, whether or not you drive a car or raise a child, requires making multiple decisions every day. Decisions that determine the quality of your life and, because we live in the world of people and most of our decisions in some way impact others, the quality of other people’s lives.

The trouble is—most of us really have no idea what’s happening when we make those decisions. And as a result, we put ourselves and others at the mercy of what are often low-quality decisions with equally low-quality outcomes.

So, how does your brain work? The short version (that’s relevant here) is this:

Two key components of your brain are your reptilian brain (your reactive brain which operates defensively), and your neo-cortex (where you make reasonable, logical decisions).

And while the good news is that you have a partially rational brain, the bad news is that whenever you’re threatened, stressed, tired, frustrated, you don’t live in that part of your brain. Rather, you downshift into your reptilian mode and become automatically reactive, reacting defensively in the interests of self preservation. You don't make reasonable, logical choices. And as a result, well, you know. This is why your mother always told you to “count to 10.” If you let yourself react in the moment, you’ll say things you’ll wish you hadn’t said, do things you’ll wish you hadn’t done. Whether at work, with your family, interacting with acquaintances or strangers, with your broker, or on the road. And as a result, relationships can be damaged, money can be lost, automobiles can collide as road rage takes over, etc. You get the picture. This can be bad.

Back to the old adage about counting to 10. It’s true. And there’s more. Go beyond counting to 10. Actually do something productive in those 10 (or more) seconds:

1. Wait before succumbing to reactive activity (count to 10!)
   
2. Breathe deeply
   
3. Shift your inner locale: bring awareness to the situation—knowing that you are in your reptilian brain is one of the swiftest ways to move out of it. If this is too challenging, then do something to break up the reptilian mode—a quick way is to do something physical, like take a quick walk. And as you do, breathe deeply and let your mind relax. You will gain access to your logical brain, your neo-cortex
   

Now, reap the rewards of knowing how your mind works and operating from your reasonable brain: better choices, and better outcomes.

Have a great week.

Exercising Your Curiosity

“We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

                                                                    -       Walt Disney

Curiosity can do a lot for you. It can cause you to try new things, which can lead to discoveries, inventions, the creation of new products or services.

It can also do a lot toward the development of your business relationships. And if you want to get those discoveries, inventions, products and services out on the market and competing successfully, you’re going to need strong relationships.

How can curiosity help you in developing your business relationships?

We know that people do business with people they like. The question is: how does that “like” get developed? The answer is that you must create some form of connection. Yet, as so many of my clients point out, you may find that you have absolutely nothing in common with the other person—that you really can’t find any point of connection. Well, let’s clarify: connection doesn’t necessarily mean a common activity. It goes deeper than that. Just because I skydive and you garden doesn’t mean that we can’t develop a human connection. We can. And that human connection is born out of curiosity. If you are truly curious about another person—their thoughts, their activities, their goals—a bond is created.

Next time you’re having a first meeting (or any meeting!), exercise your natural curiosity, and learn about the other person. As you do, keep these principles in mind:

• Listen more than you talk
  
• Listen early—don’t dominate the airtime throughout the meeting and then show your curiosity at the end—it’s too late at that point
  
• Empathize—your curiosity can’t be clinical. Show that you’re going on the journey with them in heart as well as mind
  

On a final note, I’ve had clients admit that they’re going to have to fake this one, because they have no genuine curiosity about their own customers and clients. My answer? Good luck. People are looking for the genuine article. If you’re faking it, they’ll know. And, if you’re not truly interested in them, why are you in business? If you’re solely in it for yourself, that’s a poor foundation for a lasting and successful business that makes a real contribution. Whatever your business, whatever industry you’re in, you have an opportunity to have an impact and make a contribution. When you approach your business that way, your natural curiosity for your clients will surface. You will be genuine. You will contribute. And if you’re good, you just may be truly successful at the same time.

Being the Excellent Warrior

On business in Mexico City this week, it was fascinating watching the World Cup with locals: talk about caring about something. And loudly! And why not? They were cheering on their warriors—people they know dedicate themselves to the superb execution of their task.

Earlier this year, the day before the Super Bowl, I was reading an article on warriors of a different sport, the two opposing quarterbacks, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning. And the article left me, not someone who knows a lot about these two players, inspired. Truly and memorably inspired. And the word that came to mind, as the article outlined aspects of these two lives and how they’re lived on and off the field, was “excellence.” I was sitting in an airport reading the article, and I had to read it twice. Because while I was thinking excellence, what I was feeling was humility. Earned humility. As much as I like to think that I’m committed to being at the top of my game, these two people put me to shame. A good sort of shame—the kind that made me want that same level of excellence in my life. And literally, as I sat there, my physicality changed. I sat up a little straighter, breathed a little deeper, and began thinking about the ways I could raise my own level of excellence.

It seems like there is so much that conspires to keep us in “just getting through the day” mode. Whether it’s the news, health, frustration in a relationship, overwhelm at work, finances, or something else, commitment to our own excellence seems to go by the wayside.

What’s wrong with this? Two major and unhappy outcomes:

• Literally, the outcome will be less than it can be. Maybe way less. Maybe warranting failure in whatever the task is.
  
• Tremendous personal dissatisfaction on your part.
  

This week, choose one area of your life, and commit to excellence in that area. It may be large or small, but make it something concrete—an action you’re going to take. It may be around how you tackle a project, how you handle a conversation, how you prepare for a meeting or an important phone call.

Note (two, actually):

• For you recovering perfectionists, please know that “excellence” and “perfection” are not the same thing.
  
• If your life is in a state of overwhelm right now, don’t let this article add to it. Do this: because excellence truly is inspiring, and a little inspiration would probably be a good thing for you right now (especially coming from yourself), simply choose one small task this week that must be done anyway—nothing additional—and ask yourself how you could do it with excellence. And experience the satisfaction that comes with your own excellence.
  

Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should

Yesterday, I was looking at information related to my industry online. As I did, I happened on some data in an area I’ve consulted in, although not for some time. It caught my attention, and I thought to myself, “I can do that.” And for two minutes, I thought about re-connecting with that area and bringing it back into my work with clients. And then I thought, “Wait. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.”

We live in the age of “can.” We have more resources, tools, access to information and options than at any time in history. We have so many more “can’s” than ever before. And this is a privilege. And…on another level, a burden. Wading through the sea of “can’s” to focus on what’s truly important, what will truly serve us and what we are working to accomplish (whether starting a new business, healing a damaged relationship, or just getting a good night’s sleep) is a challenge.

Because of access to education, transportation, opportunity, etc., I have expertise in that particular area I considered for two minutes. It’s true, I can do it. Yet—is that a good enough reason to do something? In the past, maybe, as there weren’t a lot of “can’s” available to people. Today—absolutely not.

We have to be so discerning about our choices—how we spend our time, what we choose to put into our bodies, what we choose to put into our minds. There is so much that we “can” do—so many options, many of them good, that it’s easy to lose track of the best one(s) for us.

As you embark on a new week, consider this:

1. Know that there will be many options presented to you this week
   
2. Ask yourself what is really important for you to focus on/accomplish this week (this month/this year)- REALLY important- one to three items
   
3. As choices and options arise, look at them in light of your commitments, and decide accordingly
   

In my case, my commitment, and what’s critical from a professional perspective, is to focus on my core business. So, after two minutes of considering “can,” I remembered that just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. And it became very easy to let that item go.

Whether your focus is professional or personal, give yourself a chance to move beyond the “can’s” this week, and move on what’s truly important to you.

Deciding You Can

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.”

- Henry Ford

We all face challenges. And our challenges typically fall under two broad categories: a circumstance, or a person (or a combination of the two). Yet according to Mr. Ford, and a long history of psychological research, there is a third category that just may trump the others: you. Meaning there are times when you are your own worst enemy, and you get in your own way. And that even if circumstances and people are lining up well, you can trip yourself up. There’s also a flipside to this third variable, the power of which is outlined so eloquently by Henry Ford—that we also have the power to overcome the other two variables. That even when circumstances and people seem to be working against you, there is something you may yet be able to do about it. Call it focus, belief, commitment, decisiveness, it’s something that belongs in this equation.

What is the issue in your life? Career? Boss? Health? Family? Relationship? The issues we face in these and other arenas can be very serious. And at the same time, there is this other variable, the “you” variable, which can often seem rather mysterious. Mysterious, yet real.

I’ve seen deals close when it looked like there was no way forward. I’ve seen people change when it seemed impossible. I’ve seen jobs appear when the market seemed utterly closed. And there are the stories of people given no hope by doctors who miraculously recovered.

I was a competitive runner throughout high school and college. Late in one of my races, I had the following four experiences, in this order:

1. Feeling like I was going to die
   
2. Knowing I was running all-out and had nothing left
   
3. Hearing another runner advancing from behind
   
4. Deciding I was going to win that race. Deciding I needed to find something, from somewhere, to fight off that other runner. I did. And I won.
   

After the joy and the recovery, came the wonderment. What had just happened? It seemed like math that didn’t make sense—I knew there was nothing left inside, yet when I decided I needed more, I found more. And I thought about the power that was floating around during that race—the power of pain, the power of exhaustion, and...the power of decisiveness.

If you’re facing a challenge right now—something you want to do but the obstacles seem insurmountable, think about where your mind is. I’m not saying you don’t have very real issues. What I’m saying is that, often mysteriously so, that’s not all that’s going on. And it would be a shame if you didn’t give that third variable a chance—that variable that revolves around you, your thoughts, your decisions.

This week, ask yourself: What am I thinking? What am I deciding?

Getting on Track and Staying There

How do we have productive conversations that stay on track and allow us to accomplish goals? Whether it’s a departmental or team discussion, a meeting with a customer, or a conversation in your personal life, things can get complicated. Wading through the various pieces of information that come from differing perspectives and the dynamics that arise from differing motivations and preferences can result in confusion, frustration, and lack of alignment and/or commitment.

One of our greatest tools for staying on track and avoiding the mess is also one of the most fundamental. And although it’s so fundamental, or perhaps because it is, it’s also most often misunderstood and misused. And as a result, is no help to us at all. Correctly understood and accurately harnessed, it’s a powerful force in successful dialogue, problem solving, and forward movement.

The tool:

An Agenda

Where We Go Wrong—Four Critical Mistakes:

1. We don't use the agenda properly. Go through the agenda twice: once, at the beginning of the meeting. This is the short version; no details yet. Then, spend the rest of the meeting going through the agenda a second time—this time with details and discussion. It's not enough to do this second piece. People leave out the first piece constantly, because they make assumptions about everyone's understanding and alignment. You must do both: short version, then long version.
2. We don’t get agreement on the agenda. When you lay out an agenda, find out what the others think about it, and invite them to add items they feel are critical.
   
3. We don’t stick to the agenda. Assuming we do get agreement on the agenda, we then let people run away with the meeting with every extraneous issue and tangent that comes to their mind. I don’t mean that we shouldn’t vary from the agenda if it makes more sense to do so. The agenda is there to serve you, and if something more important surfaces, then by all means, veer from the agenda. But here’s the trick: you must address the “veering off.” Don’t just go off agenda without acknowledging and getting agreement. “Everyone, it looks like something has surfaced that’s critical for us to address. Let’s agree on how we want to handle our remaining time—do we focus on this issue, or stick to the agenda, and take this issue up at another time? What’s going to be the most productive use of our time?”
   
4. We only use agendas for formal meetings—as if we think the purpose of an agenda is pomp and show. The purpose of an agenda is a great discussion that actually goes somewhere logical and accomplishes something useful. Use agendas liberally. Use them in your personal life. Seriously—as a list of what you need to talk about. “Hey Joe—now that we have a minute—let’s connect on a few things. How about if we touch base on what we want to do with the garage, and nail down a date for the party. That’s all I can think of—how about you? What else should we touch base on?"
   

Again, because the agenda is such a universal tool, we think we know it and we think we use it, and well. My experience is that this isn’t the case.

A client told me last week that this deeper idea of the agenda, not just creating it, but sticking to it even when (or especially because) the discussion is starting to get chaotic, has made all the difference for him in having organized conversations that actually get something done.

This week, look for opportunities to either:

• Stick to an agenda in a meeting that seems to be going off-track (or to only veer from the agenda if it makes sense and if the “veering” is addressed and agreed upon), or
  
• Use an agenda in an informal conversation that, while informal, could still benefit from agreement on a list of topics to discuss