You

“Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.”

- St. Catherine of Siena, 1347-1380

If you missed the royal wedding, don’t miss the quote at start of the sermon. The Right Reverend and Right Honourable Dr. Richard John Carew Chartes, Anglican Bishop of London, began his message by quoting St. Catherine of Siena. On April 29^th, St. Catherine’s feast day.

Prince William has known, since he was old enough to think about these things, who he is and what he is meant for. Kate Middleton may not have always known her path, but now, as Princess Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, and possible future queen, her role is clear.

What about you?

Favoring Action

I spend a good deal of my time with clients around the world. Just in the past month, I’ve worked on-site with clients in South America, North America, Asia and Europe. Working with so many different people, in so many different locations, it’s extremely interesting to observe their process of learning and how they choose to move forward. And while every person is unique, I generally see two very different approaches: analysis and action.

First, I don’t put anything in front of clients that’s not backed up—by one or a combination of substantial research, observation, and experience. Meaning that by the time the material and concepts reach them, a great deal of analysis of the material has been done.

Next, when the material, and I, get to them, I see one of these two responses:

1. A lot of analysis and a little application and action
2. A little analysis and a lot of application and action

As a result, the second group tends to move faster, apply concepts quickly, and move forward sooner.

As a person who is, by nature, very interested in theory and understanding the constructs behind things, I have a real appreciation for the first way, the draw of analysis. And of course, foolish is the person who doesn’t think for themselves and make their own wise decisions. And...they must consider the cost. Because of this predisposition to analysis, I have to take a step back, and look at the big picture, and remind myself of the things I’d like to accomplish. And those things require action.

We all have to make our own choices regarding where our time goes—how much analysis? How much action? Both have rewards, both have costs.

To encourage action in yourself, and meet the requirement for appropriate analysis:

• Keep your eyes open and stay informed
• Be open to new information—the foundation for any kind of progress for mankind on every level absolutely depends on this
• Strengthen your network—rather than figuring everything out on your own, have people you can call for subjects that aren’t your forte
• Be sure you have access to credible information and resources you can trust (your network, or other sources)
• Learn to listen to your true instincts. By true, I mean deep. You will have shallow instincts that are creatures of habit and comfort that keep you from being open to new information. Go deeper

Expanding & Opening

How often do you give presentations? Speak to large groups or groups of any size? And when you do, how effective are you? When the stakes are high, what are you doing to make sure that you get the job done and achieve your outcomes?

To buy into your message, people need to see you as credible, and they need to believe that you believe in what you’re talking about. One without the other won’t cut it.

For my clients, establishing the former isn’t as much of any issue as the latter. Not a big deal? One out of two isn’t bad? Not so. The math breaks down here. Because the latter influences the former, in the minds of your audience. Meaning that beyond establishing your credibility and expertise through your content, when your audience perceives that you not only know your content but that you have belief/conviction/confidence in it, their perception of your credibility goes up even more.

The question is, then, how do you raise their perception of your belief, conviction and confidence? One way is through their perception of your power. Show them your power.

Okay then—how do you show your power? Through how you carry yourself. Collaborative research out of Columbia and Harvard Universities (Carney, Cuddy & Yap) is particularly exciting, because it shows that not only is your audience’s perception of power influenced by how you carry yourself. It shows that your actual power is influenced by how you carry yourself. They measured:

• Expansiveness (taking up more or less space), and
• Openness (keeping limbs open or closed)

And they found that when you take up more space and keep your limbs open, your audience’s belief in your power isn’t the only thing that changes (in this case strengthened). What also changes is your testosterone levels (rise) and your cortisol levels (drop). And this is a recipe for not just an increase in their perception of your power, but of your actual power, influencing your cognition, emotions, behavior and physiology. Short version: you're more likely to do and say smart and powerful things.

Here’s what this boils down to:

• Stay away from all of the typical traps that speak of “small” and “closed”—arms folded, head down, no or very small gestures, legs crossed, little or no movement. Go the other direction. Keep your body open and don’t get locked.
• Move around. This doesn’t mean wander or pace. This means to deliver some of your content with a good solid stance. Then take a good few purposeful steps—toward the audience, to the screen or another visual—and plant yourself again and deliver more content from there, etc.
• Use your arms. This doesn’t mean in a small, timid way. It also doesn’t mean to wave them wildly and continuously. I typically see one or the other (most often the first). It means to use purposeful and bold gestures—to visuals, or toward the audience, or to emphasize a point.

Feel nervous about a big presentation coming up? Don’t wait to feel powerful. Move your body powerfully. And your body will step up: your nerves will decrease, your power will increase. And your credibility along with it.

Your True Grit

We all have things that are non-negotiables for us. A few, or possibly just one thing, that we say in our hearts, “This must be. I must do this thing.” It could be to finally learn how to swim, or learn a language, or write a book, or strengthen a relationship. It could be anything.

It’s simply that these things that we know are important for us, and that live in our hearts, often have obstacles of some sort associated with them—time, money, fear, other people…. And it’s ours to step up and step through or step around. Or not.

If you haven’t seen “True Grit” yet, see it. I didn’t make it to the theaters but saw it on a plane yesterday. And not more than ten minutes into the film, the “true grit” of the youngest of the main characters (really trying to not spoil things here) had me riveted.

And what really caught my attention about this particular character, was that it wasn’t just “grit,” although there was plenty of that. The other ingredient, that came before the grit, was the vision. An absolutely crystal clear vision that fully engaged this person’s mind and heart. Complete focus and commitment. The vision was in place at that level, so when the obstacles showed up, there simply was no question. True grit would be applied, and a way would be found. Through, around, over, under. A way simply would be found.

If a “thing” in your life comes up for you when you think about this, see the movie this week. And I’m not saying that your obstacles aren’t real. I’m saying that when your vision gets crystal clear and fully engages your mind and your heart and you are focused and committed, interesting things can happen. Your true grit may step in and step up in ways that surprise you. And ways through, around, over, under may present themselves in ways you hadn’t planned.

A Good Equation

“Have nothing in your house which you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.”

William Morris, 19th century British artist, designer, writer, social innovator

This William Morris quote is full of wisdom. It showed up in my blog a month ago as wisdom, and it’s showing up today as an equation.

First, a few definitions:

• It’s oft been said that one’s house is a metaphor for one’s life. Or, at the very least, the house reflects the self. So, for our purposes today, let’s broaden the definition of “house” to “life”
• “Useful”-“serviceable for an end or purpose, or, of a valuable or productive kind” (Merriam-Webster)
• “Beautiful” - “exalts the mind or spirit, excellent quality” (Merriam-Webster)

So, have nothing in your life which isn’t useful (productive or serviceable for an end or purpose) or beautiful (uplifting and good). Wow. When you put it like that, a lot of things become clear. Our choices, our “yes-es,” will fit one of those categories. Or, perhaps both.

What we do, how we spend our time, what we eat, who we associate with. And I encourage you to think below the surface. “Helping someone” sounds like it fits the “beautiful” category, for example, as does “listening to someone.” Because we think of those as good things. And so they are. Just not always.

• On "helpfulness": Is there a situation in which helping a friend is not the most beautiful thing? Would it be more beautiful (better) for this friend to help themselves out, and be their own hero today?
• On "listening": Last week, I ran into an acquaintance who typically has a lot to say. I was on a schedule, this person was clearly not. After talking a few minutes, I could hear the conversation becoming a lengthy one, putting me behind, and cementing our relationship as “we bump into each other and she talks and I smile and fall behind schedule and feel frustrated.” I knew that listening certainly wasn’t useful to my day, and actually wasn’t beautiful, either. Speaking up for your needs (in my case, to get back on track with my day) is a good thing. I did, we parted amicably, and that was that.

Using the “useful or beautiful” test will help you spend your time better. It doesn’t mean that you never get to goof off. Sometimes, if you’re stressed out, that’s going to be the most useful thing you can do. It’s simply going to help you to not spend your time goofing off when it’s not a “useful” thing but a “procrastination” thing.

Think about your life this week in light of the useful and the beautiful. And see how your schedule and your priorities improve.

* picture: a classic William Morris textile

Deciding What Gets in Your Head

Sayulita, Mexico. 8:00 a.m., sometime last week. 

The view outside my front door.

The thing about there being places like this in the world, is just that. There are places like this in the world.

My reaction to this spot was similar to my reaction to standing at the Trevi Fountain for the first time. I mean, besides “Wow.” It was, “You mean that while I’m back home working on tough projects and getting cut off by stressed-out drivers and dealing with people who are bent out of shape by whatever…this is here? All of the time? While I’m caught up in all the stuff I’m caught up in: This beach is here. This fountain is here. This (fill in the blank with whatever in the world inspires and calms you) is here.

I’m intrigued with the success of Gretchen Rubin’s “Happiness Project.” Among many other things, its success points to the obvious—people want to be happy. Duh. Happy for the sake of happy, a good thing. And—I invite us to go further—happy for the sake of being productive, also a good thing. Think about it. When you’re feeling happy, inspired and calm, you tend to do better work. Yes, there are times you’ve pulled it out of nowhere and excelled in tight spots when you were stressed out and not feeling so great. Over the course of a career, though, sustained success tends to come from a different place than stress and negativity.

So.

You’re on the freeway and people are driving like crazy people. Makes you mad. You’re at work and someone takes the credit for your idea. Makes you furious. Here’s a thought. Esoteric, maybe. Useful, most certainly. There are people in the world who don’t drive thoughtfully and who don’t work fairly and a lot of other unfortunate things. Yes. And, there are places in the world where the waves are crashing and the fountains are flowing and the mountains are standing. Since they’re both realities, which one will you let inside your head? Completely up to you. Most people go by geographical proximity, and let whatever’s in front of them get inside their head. And wind up feeling…wound up. And they act like it. But just because the crazy driver and the difficult coworker are right in front of you, and the waves and the fountain are a few dozen or thousand miles away, why should you let the driver and the person at work get inside your head and stress you out? How about this: Let the waves and the fountain get inside your head. They are real (just at a distance), so why not? And now, in this state, make solid choices about how to drive safely and work well with the crazy drivers and difficult colleagues. I guarantee you, your choices will be more balanced and wise, and your outcomes will ultimately be improved. This is more than just “going to your happy place” and checking out. This is embracing reality—a larger reality. And one that’s going to serve you better than letting what’s in your face get to you.

Happier? Yes. More productive? Very much yes.

Now

"If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin."

- Ivan Turgenev

Dialing It Up

“Is life not a hundred times too short for us to stifle ourselves?”   

- Friedrich Nietzsche

“Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.”  

 - David Letterman

I read a quote yesterday that caught my eye: “You have to come up with an idea and make it big,” Anthony Todd, designer and art director. In talking about his New York event projects, Todd sees his responsibility to his clients as not simply coming up with great ideas, but going big. As I thought about Todd’s statement, several others came to mind:

• Famous Chicago architect, Daniel Burnham, said, "Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood and probably themselves will not be realized."
  
• Thomas Leonard, early pioneer in the field of personal and professional coaching, advised clients to “Build a superreserve in every area.” The idea is to not live in a miserly way. To get yourself out of scarcity thinking. To take actions that begin to shift that habit of thinking—like going to Costco and buying an over-supply of something that’s easy to run out of, such as paper towels.
  
• Gretchen Rubin, author of New York Times bestseller, The Happiness Project, has “Twelve Personal Commandments.” One is to “spend out.” By spending out she’s thinking along the lines of Thomas Leonard—rather than hoarding and over-saving, to use what you have with joy and boldness.
  

A designer, an architect, a coach, a writer. All honing in on this idea of living Big. Bold. Full.

Have you been playing small? Have you been miserly in some way? Have you been saving or putting off things for too long—

• possessions
  
• ideas
  
• activities
  
• talents
  

Whatever comes to mind, dial it up this week. In your mind's eye, see your hand turning the dial...way up.

I have a couple of ways I’ll be applying this in my life this week. A very simple one is...sleep! Arianna Huffington gave a Ted Talk in January in which she spoke of the power of sleep, how there’s a snobbery around getting limited sleep, and what it costs us in our ability to work well and make sound decisions. This week, contrary to my habit of cheating myself out of full rest, I’m going to get plenty of sleep.

What will you dial up this week?

Better Definitions

How is your week going to go? Up to you.

Do you have projects to work on, deadlines to meet, situations to resolve and people to work with that you deem:

• Impossible
  
• Ridiculous
  
• Awful
  
• Dreaded
  
• Boring…?
  

So be it.

Only remember this: your mind is an amazing tool. And a dedicated one—dedicated to you. And it will do your bidding. If you deem things as listed above, then they’re likely to be just that. On the other hand, if you take a different tack and redefine those projects, deadlines, situations and people as:

• Challenging
  
• Different
  
• Interesting
  
• An opportunity to _______ (fill in the blank with whatever is useful to you, e.g. try a different approach, learn something new, challenge yourself, do your best work, persevere, be creative…)
  

…the outcomes you achieve may be different than the outcomes you achieve with the first list of definitions. Why? Your mind. “Impossible” shuts the mind down. Door closed. That’s it. “Challenging” leaves the door open (even if only a crack), your mind has room to be creative, and is much more likely to help you come up with something that will be useful to you in resolving something tough.

The power of how we define things has been widely researched and published, and bears taking seriously. Just ask the Swiss. 1968 Switzerland had 65% of world watch market sales and more than 80% of the profits. Then, the electronic quartz watch emerged. And the Swiss ignored it. Why? One reason: the definition of “a quality watch.” The Swiss definition of a quality watch included, without question, “A watch that involves gears and bearings and mainsprings.” End of story. And by 1980, Swiss watch sales market share had dropped to 10%, and their profits to 20%. Between 1969 and 1981, 50,000 of the 62,000 Swiss watchmakers lost their jobs. A national catastrophe. And the kicker: the Swiss themselves had invented the electronic quartz watch. It was dismissed within Switzerland, but the Japanese certainly took note, and the rest is history.

This week:

1. Identify the most important items on your calendar
   
2. Consider the definitions you are giving them—are those definitions serving you? If not,
   
3. Get creative and give your brain something better to work with—better definitions 

The Usefulness of Beauty

In Madrid with clients over the last few days, I managed to get out and see the city a bit. And what a city. Whether you’re looking at the Italian rock crystal chandeliers in the throne room at the Palacio Real (exterior pictured), the extensive Velazquez and Goya collections at the Prado, or the edifice of the baroque Iglesia de Santa Barbara, you cannot help but be bowled over, absolutely bowled over, by beauty.

“Have nothing in your house which you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.”

            William Morris, 

            19^th century British artist, designer, writer, social innovator

While this has long been a favorite quote, it took on new meaning for me this week. It also took on new proportions, as its application broadened in my mind from what you put in your house to what you put in your life.

Most of my writing has to do with the “usefulness” part of Morris’ equation: how can you marshal your…

• thoughts
  
• resources
  
• strengths
  
• time
  
• communication with others

…most usefully in order to move forward and be effective. And this focus on usefulness is critical—it’s just that it’s not everything. As humans, it’s not only about the useful, it’s also about the beautiful. And sometimes it’s about how the beautiful thing can be the most useful thing. Like that time you knew that it was worth it to pull the car over and watch the sunset even though you were already under the gun on time, or that day you stopped and listened to that whole song, that gorgeous song, even though your to-do list was longer than your arm. Madrid reminded me of this. That even though I had writing to do and projects to work on, not only was my experience at the Prado, for example, beautiful, it was useful: I left refreshed and clear-headed, ready to tackle the work ahead.

This week, go beyond the useful. Besides looking at how you are marshaling your thoughts, resources, strengths, time and communication with others to get done what you need to get done and be effective, look at the beauty level in your life:

• What are the evidences of beauty in your life that are nourishing you in ways that nothing else can? (We're going to avoid a thesis on the nature of beauty. For our purposes here, please define beauty for yourself. For some it’s a song or a picture, for others it may be a little more esoteric...)
  
• How can you leverage those even more in your life? (e.g. my appreciation for Velazquez shot up last week. I’m putting a postcard of a new favorite painting in my workspace)
  
• Where, if anywhere, is beauty lacking in your life? Perhaps in a way that affects the usefulness piece? (e.g. if your thinking is unproductive, look at how you start your day. It may be that you need a beauty shot in the morning—try turning off the news and turning on some great music)
  

On a final note, I live in California. Near the coast. I am privileged to be around a lot of beauty—much of which is natural beauty. What impressed itself upon me in Madrid was the abundance of beauty that wasn’t natural, but made by human hands. Art, design, architecture, the many, many details (look at the manhole covers!)—it was overwhelming. Don’t wait for natural beauty. Don’t wait for anything. If it’s important this week, take some inspiration from the artists and the artisans of Spain over the centuries, and give the beauty in your life a little focus, care, and effort. It just may be the most useful thing you do.

Staying True

I met a young woman the other day who told me that her biggest stress at work isn’t the long hours or the heavy workload. She likes what she does and her strong work ethic drives her to excellence. And that’s the trouble. Because her biggest stress at work is her fellow employees, who continually nag her to not work so hard or so long or with such excellence, because she’s making them look bad.

If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard this from clients over the years….

This is rampant. And rampant across industries and across levels. I’ve heard it from production line workers and I’ve heard it from accountants. Other people trying to hold the one person back—because—why? Posturing, competition, image, laziness, envy, fear...we could speculate on a lot of reasons. What’s important is to look at what to do when it’s directed toward you.

In deciding how to respond (or not) to the pressure from your coworkers, there are various considerations:

• How strong are your relationships with these coworkers
  
• Are any of these coworkers in a position of authority over you, or do they influence anyone who is in authority over you
  
• How important are these relationships (e.g. how interdependent is your work and your success)
  

…to name a few.

But the one consideration that stands taller and bears more weight, ultimately, across the course of a career, is this:

Your commitment to doing your best and being your best. Your commitment to excellence, and to your integrity.

It's wise to consider the politics, yes. It's just that politics can't always be the swing vote. There may be some appropriate give and take, but over the course of a career, it's simply essential to stay true to your own compass.

There will always be people trying to distract, detract, drag you down. Do your thing. Do your work. Do what you know to be right.

A Useful Perspective

I’m in Saigon this week with clients (officially Ho Chi Minh City. I was relieved to find the locals still refer to it as Saigon—Ho Chi Minh City is long to say. And write).

In between work activities, I’ve found time to pursue conversations with local residents. And something rather interesting has come up:

The war that I’ve always known as “The Vietnam War”—they know as “The American War.” 

A bit of a mind-bender, really. Something that's always been so concrete in my experience has a different concreteness elsewhere. Elsewhere here.

Thus endeth the reference to war. This entry isn’t about war, it’s about perspective. 

Perspective is a powerful thing. The way we see things and understand things, the interpretations we make, the expectations we form, all relate to our perspective. And it has the power to inform the thinking and the actions of people at a global level, a national level, a local level, an individual level.

The individual level:

Take a look at your perspective on…you choose: a relationship, your career, yourself as a person, anything that’s critical to you right now. Maybe the way you’ve been looking at your relationship with one of your colleagues hasn’t been serving you or helping you to form a productive relationship. Maybe your perspective on your career has made you stagnant or caused you to lose energy and not take productive action. Perhaps your perspective on yourself is in some way not serving you, has sapped you of your sense of what’s possible for you.

We must deal in facts and truth, not simply perception, yes. Well, one of the facts is that, as humans, there is an element of perspective in just about any situation. And another is that we typically don't step outside of our perspective to see if there's another way to look at things. A better, more useful way.

This week, choose one area that’s important to you right now and in which you feel stuck at some level, and ask yourself if your perspective on the situation is helping you or hindering you. If it’s the latter, consider looking at the situation from a new perspective—one that is productive for you and helps you to get unlocked and move forward.

Action, Not Activity

So…how are those New Year’s Resolutions?

We’re a week into the New Year, and I’m going to suggest an idea to help you stay on track (or get back on track!).

Action, not activity.

There is always something to do. An activity to engage in. There always will be. The trouble with activity, though, is that it can fill your days yet get you nowhere. Action is different than activity, in that action is something you do that is attached to an important goal you’ve identified. Activity fills your days. Action moves you forward.

It’s tricky, because in the “activity” category are many worthwhile things. “I should read this book—it’s an important one. It will make me better informed. It will help me in my career.” These are good things. The question I would ask is—are they YOUR things, right now? If your most important thing right now is to exercise and get in shape, and you read the book instead of working out, then you have engaged in activity and not action.

Don’t settle for activity, even worthwhile activity (like reading a good book!). Get clear on what’s important to you and be sure your choices are attached to your goals. Then you will choose action over activity, and not just fill your days with activity, but move your life forward with focused action.

Making Your Resolutions Work For You

According to a survey released last month*, 66% of Americans don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. This flies in the face of the tradition of the season, and begs the question: Why?

For many people, this “resolution rejection” comes from a sense of failure. “I made resolutions in the past, I didn’t stick with them, and I wound up feeling lousy.” We feel let down (we let ourselves down), we experience a power-drain as we grapple with our lack of follow-through, and guilt sets in. And we think, “Forget it. I don’t need this kind of grief.”

And if this is you, you’re right. You don’t.

When people don’t follow through on their New Year’s Resolutions, it usually has its roots in one or more of these three areas:

• Choosing goals that aren’t meaningful and don’t have enough of a payoff
  
• Choosing goals/actions that are too big
  
• Not having a plan
  

To succeed with your New Year’s Resolutions, simply turn these three areas into principles that will work for you:

• Make it Meaningful: there are many things you can change. Choose one that will have a big payoff for you. Think: “Next year at this time, what is one way I would like my life to be different?” Choose something important, something that really matters to you
  
• Think Small: either give yourself a small goal, or if it’s a larger goal, break it down into manageable pieces, and focus only on the first piece
  
• Schedule It: to create a plan, keep it simple. Just put it on the calendar. By “it” I’m referring to whatever the first few actions are that will move you toward your goal. This works for just about anything: working out, getting organized, keeping up with people better, writing a screenplay, learning a language, spending more time with your kids…
  

You may not choose to “resolve” anything this New Year. And you may have good reason. Simply remember that growth and movement is critical for us as human beings. The lack of those more often that not leads to stagnation and feeling stuck. For our health and vitality, we need to embrace intentional growth and forward movement. And of course, you can do it at any time of year, not just at New Year’s. Whenever you do choose to put something in motion for yourself, keep it simple. Set yourself up for success by making it meaningful, “thinking small,” and scheduling it.

* Survey by ISI Translation Services

Spending Yourself

I moved a couple of weeks ago. Somewhere among end-of year work projects and holiday shopping came unpacking boxes and setting up house. Some of the boxes hadn’t been opened for a year, when I got rid of my New York apartment and shipped everything to Los Angeles. I pulled a beautiful candle out of one of the boxes that I’d saved until I moved into this new place—a wait that wound up being a year long. And my first thought was, “No more saving.”

I’ve always been a saver. This can be good when you’re talking financials. Yet there are other areas in life where an over-emphasis on saving can be a detriment. Things are meant to be used: food is meant to be eaten, clothes are meant to be worn, candles are meant to be lit. Seriously. I’ve had great food go bad, favorite clothes eaten by moths, high-end candles melt in hot cars and garages and become unusable. This is just a waste.

And as wasteful as this is, nothing is more wasteful, and perhaps sadder, than doing the same thing with your life.

After “No more saving,” my thought process went on to, “I want to use what I have. I want to spend—my things, myself, my life.” The last thing I want to do is to come to the end of my life and find that it was, even a little bit, unspent. 

The poet Mary Oliver asks, 

        “What will you do with your one wild and precious life?” 

A very big question. If it’s too big for you at this point, narrow the aperture from your life in general to your time right now. What will you do now? What will your 2011 be?

And keep in mind that the question isn’t “Will you spend yourself?” but “HOW will you spend yourself?” Because there is no doubt—you will spend yourself. You have no choice in that. None of us do.

As I kept unpacking, I remembered a scene from the film Gattaca in which the genetically superior brother asks the main character, played by Ethan Hawke, how in the world he won their swim races as children. The answer: “I never saved anything for the trip back.”

Whether it’s inappropriate saving, or holding back, or avoiding, or not committing to, or whatever, ask yourself:

How will I spend myself this year? What will I dive into with my time, my heart, my life, myself?

Having a Great Holiday—With Others

Over the next couple of weeks, many of us will be spending time with extended family members—perhaps even staying under the same roof. These relationships may be easy and warm…or not. In the flurry of holiday activities, sometimes in cramped quarters with one another, and possibly with individuals who just seem to march to a different drummer than you, interesting things can happen (feel free to interpret “interesting” any way you like). Or maybe these are generally easy relationships. Wonderful. Simply keep in mind that when spending time together, sharing space together, perhaps for several days—buttons can get pushed.

To maximize your enjoyment of the season, don’t just plan ahead with gift-giving. Plan ahead in regards to relationships.

Anticipate what might happen by considering past experience. For example, the uncle who pulls people into unwanted political debates then disparages their point of view, or the in-law who asks you to watch their children for a bit then stays out all day, or the brother who leaves you to do all the cleanup on your own.

Whatever the “habits” people pull on you at these family gatherings, don’t be blind-sided. Anticipate, and make your plan ahead of time. If and when these things show up, you may choose to:

• Let it go. You don’t see them often enough, the trip will be short enough, it’s not worth it etc.
  
• Get more information.  There may be something driving their behavior that you aren’t aware of. Dig a little, find out what’s going on. Only be sure to do this in an exploratory way, not an accusatory one
  
• Say “No”
  

If you choose “No,” there are several ways to do it:

• Simply say “No.” Do it courteously. Just because they’re being rude, assuming they are, doesn’t mean you have to. Still, say “No”
  
• Need a line? Here’s a great one: “That won’t work for me.” If you like, stick a “Thank you” onto the front end to soften it a little.
  
• A “No” that affirms the relationship and still creates the boundary follows this flow: 1) acknowledge, 2) give a reason, and 2) say “No.” For example, “I know you have your hands full. I actually have a commitment today, so won’t be available to watch your children.”
  

Don’t let other people’s behavior make you feel out of control and detract from the enjoyment of the holiday. Anticipate, make a plan*, and follow it. And have a wonderful holiday.

* Keep in mind that your plan may be to do nothing. This doesn’t mean you’re out of control. As long as you’re doing it for good reason, it's actually the opposite. You’re in control. 

Making Plans to Wake Up Enriched and Energized on January 1st

You’re likely a busy person most of the time, but “busy” takes on new proportions at this time of year. Most of us are overwhelmed with all of the commitments this season brings.

In the midst of obligations and activities, I encourage you to step back and consider the two major happenings of December:

• The holiday season
  
• The turning of the year
  

Whatever you do, make space for yourself to fully embrace and have a significant experience in these two areas:

• The holiday season: think about what’s important to you during the holidays—whether it’s spiritual matters, family, friends, or a combination, think about what you absolutely must engage in in order to have a great holiday, and be sure to make room for it
  
• The turning of the year: make room for yourself to move into the new year with thoughtfulness, focus, and renewed energy. A great way to do this is to take a little time to look at the past year, considering what you learned, how you grew, and what you’re grateful for, and to look at the year to come and set some goals
  

If you need to say “no” to some things in order to make sure these two areas don’t get the short end of the stick, do so. When you wake up on January 1^st, you’ll thank yourself, as you’ll be enriched from the holiday season, you’ll have made peace with 2010, and you’ll be ready to move forward into a great new year.

Setting SMART Goals

It’s December, which means that January—a new year!—is around the corner. While you’re probably facing a full schedule with end-of-year activities, whether closing out business or holiday shopping or social and family activities (likely all of the above), give yourself a corner of your mind to start thinking about what you’d like to start fresh with in the New Year.

Here’s something to focus your thinking: start thinking about setting SMART goals.

The SMART approach to goal-setting may be something you already use in your professional life. Whether that is the case or not, in anticipation of a new year, put some thought into it for your personal life.

SMART stands for:

• Specific
  
• Measurable
  
• Achievable
  
• Realistic
  
• Time-Based
  

For example, if your goal is to lose weight in the new year, be sure not to leave it at that. If you’re overweight, “I want to lose weight” is certainly a good goal. It’s just that it could be SMARTer. Let’s make it SMART:

• Specific: Give it a number (e.g. 10 pounds)
  
• Measurable: This can be used in a mathematical formula (Specific + Time-based = Measurable), because anything that is specific and quantifiable, and that has a time-frame around it, can be measured ("lose 10 pounds by June 30" can be measured by getting on a scale on June 30)
  
• Achievable: Is it achievable for you, knowing yourself and your history?
  
• Realistic: Is it realistic, given the timeframe you’ve set and the other things going on in your life? (Some people have enough overlap with Achievable and Realistic that it’s worth it to them to shift the R word to Relevant, which also works—be sure the goal makes sense, given the larger context of your life and other priorities)
  
• Time-Based: Give it a deadline (June 30)
  

So…rather than “I want to lose weight,” the SMART goal becomes “I will lose 10 pounds by June 30.”

Remember the mathematical formula—Specific + Time-bound = Measurable. I can get on the scale on June 30 and see if I’ve achieved my goal. As far as Achievable and Realistic (or Relevant) go, that’s up to you and your wisdom—knowing yourself, knowing the context of your life. For example, if you know that you will be on a work project that will require travel and you can’t guarantee how much exercise you will be able to commit to, and you know that exercise is critical to your weight-loss, you may adjust your deadline accordingly.

The next step, once your specific goal is set, is to develop a plan for achieving it.

For this week, give yourself a corner of your mind to begin thinking about worthwhile goals for you for the new year. We’ll address how to create plans to achieve them in the coming weeks.

Expecting, Believing, and Giving Thanks

When asked, many people can identify a “most influential teacher”—the one who really made a difference, and whose lessons stuck.

Mine was Mr. McEachen, my high school English teacher. He died unexpectedly last weekend (the weekend before Thanksgiving), while racing his boat in the Holiday Classic, the Santa Barbara Yacht Club’s final race of the 2010 season. He had a heart attack—his first. He was 66.

Dave McEachen was “that teacher” for me for two reasons. First, some character context (almost as important as the reasons):

I’ll sum up his character with three mantras of his. I should say that I never heard him say any of these—his family chose to print them in the program for his service. Sitting at the service, reading these mantras, I was so glad they did. They brought me right back to him, as I saw him exhibit them every day of my junior and senior years of high school:

• Always connect
  
• Err on the side of kindness
  
• Make your happiness
  

As for the two reasons he was “that teacher” for me:

• He expected the world of us—he had a reputation for being very tough, and as my AP English teacher, he lived up to it
  
• He believed the best in us, and treated us accordingly
  

It’s amazing how that combination—high expectations and deep belief—can cause you to be and perform at your very best. They did that for me. He did that for me.

In his eulogy, one of Dave’s sons said how thankful he was that his father retired at 60. He expressed how he’d thought they’d have another 20 years together, but he was at least grateful that they’d had so much of him for six.

There are so many things I’m thankful for this season. I’m thankful for Mr. McEachen’s high expectations, calling me to rise to the occasion of my potential. I’m thankful for his treatment of me—one of firm and respectful belief in my ability. If someone I respect so much believes I have it in me, then maybe I really do. And I’m thankful for his son’s reminder, in a time in which the pressure is fierce to focus on what he’s lost, to focus on what he has—those precious and full six years.

My heart is full, and I pulled it all together into my blog entry this week—the power of expecting the best in others…and ourselves. The power of believing the best, again, in others, and ourselves. And the power of being thankful.

Thanksgiving, giving thanks, may officially be over.

I encourage us to be unofficial and keep it up.

Being Assertive

Assertive or Aggressive?

It’s up to you.

First, you need to understand what you’re after. Then, you need to consider your options.

1. What are you after: I consult with clients all around the world on ways to build their business results. Everyone seems to agree that best practices vary in application across cultures. Everyone also seems to agree that while those best practices may vary in application, they are pretty consistent in their principle(s). And one of the principles, regardless of the culture you’re operating in, is—results. You’re responsible for achieving results—for yourself, for your employer. So, okay. We’re after results. And sometimes, depending on the culture you’re operating in, this means speaking up firmly. The question is, how?
   
2. Consider your options: Many clients tell me that aggressive is the way to go. It’s definite, there’s no question of your intention, it strikes hard. And I point out that the downside is that it tends to include something else—an element of blame, hurt, perhaps under-handedness. So, what to do? How do you achieve definiteness, clarity and power, without the blame/hurt part? The answer is assertiveness. Assertiveness is definite, direct in intention, strikes with clarity. And it does all of this within a context of respect. Think of assertiveness this way: as opposed to attacking an opponent, you’re speaking truth, with conviction, to a partner.

Scare me with your aggressiveness, and you may or may not win the battle. You almost certainly won’t win the war. Come to me with your assertiveness, and I will sense your respect for me, and I will respect you. And consider this—I ultimately don’t really listen to my attacker. I listen to my trusted partner.

This week, think about any firm messages you need to communicate. First, consider what you’re after. Then, consider your options.

And in regards to options, I recommend assertive.